2008 Woodie Awards
The E-Spot
A mysterious pleasure zone
Ethan Denault
Issue date: 4/15/05 Section: Opinions & Editorials
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As a reporter my job is to bring you face to face with the news. Live, local, late-breaking, you can count on the E-Spot to be there when it happens, as it happens, covering all regions in order to help you live your life in a more civilized manner. That's the beauty of the E-Spot. Sadly, it has come to my attention that people just don't know how to find the E-Spot with the same efficiency displayed in weeks past. They look here, they look there, on the sports page, in the features section, and in the end they are left flustered and upset. Just the other day I ran into an individual who tried to finding the E-Spot on line! Now how crazy is that! Furthermore, once they locate the E-Spot they don't seem to understand how to use it - it becomes a puzzle, a labyrinth of frustration and emotional dissatisfaction.
When this happens, many people resort to yelling at the E-Spot or calling other individuals who they mistakenly believe know how to placate the rigorous demands of the E-Spot. Some in fact even throw the E-Spot on the ground or even worse, spill hot coffee all over it - what a shame! This only compounds the initial frustration and makes matters far worse. Therefore, in light of the aforementioned complications involving the E-Spot, the following lecture has been prepared: "The E-Spot 101: A Tutorial for Those Suffering from Literary Interruptus."
In order to derive maximum stimulation from the E-Spot one must know the ins and outs of such a complex literary organ. The E-Spot is located deep within the body of the Lawrentian near the top wall of the page. Sensation is paramount. You can immediately recognize the E-Spot by its rather "incontinuous" feel when compared to the rest of the paper. But first you have to get in the mood. Put on some relaxing music. Perhaps Luther Vandross or some Selena. Sometimes it helps to try searching for it with your eyes closed.
Better yet, have a partner help you. With eyes shut manipulate the Lawrentian with your forefinger until you begin to feel something slightly abrasive, something textually different. Next, gently brush this "roughness" with the tip of your finger in a "come hither" motion. Listen to your partner throughout. When you near the E-Spot you will notice your partner's breathing begin to build rapidly, often in small but forceful exhalations. Listen. There, you've located the E-Spot. But this is half the battle. While many are comfortable making their way to the E-Spot, they panic in the face of such a discovery and recoil prematurely. This is where the initial aggravation begins.
When this happens, many people resort to yelling at the E-Spot or calling other individuals who they mistakenly believe know how to placate the rigorous demands of the E-Spot. Some in fact even throw the E-Spot on the ground or even worse, spill hot coffee all over it - what a shame! This only compounds the initial frustration and makes matters far worse. Therefore, in light of the aforementioned complications involving the E-Spot, the following lecture has been prepared: "The E-Spot 101: A Tutorial for Those Suffering from Literary Interruptus."
In order to derive maximum stimulation from the E-Spot one must know the ins and outs of such a complex literary organ. The E-Spot is located deep within the body of the Lawrentian near the top wall of the page. Sensation is paramount. You can immediately recognize the E-Spot by its rather "incontinuous" feel when compared to the rest of the paper. But first you have to get in the mood. Put on some relaxing music. Perhaps Luther Vandross or some Selena. Sometimes it helps to try searching for it with your eyes closed.
Better yet, have a partner help you. With eyes shut manipulate the Lawrentian with your forefinger until you begin to feel something slightly abrasive, something textually different. Next, gently brush this "roughness" with the tip of your finger in a "come hither" motion. Listen to your partner throughout. When you near the E-Spot you will notice your partner's breathing begin to build rapidly, often in small but forceful exhalations. Listen. There, you've located the E-Spot. But this is half the battle. While many are comfortable making their way to the E-Spot, they panic in the face of such a discovery and recoil prematurely. This is where the initial aggravation begins.