Specht Pages: The “Big Event” Better Spent

Ever wonder what you would do with $40,000? Hello and welcome to Specht Pages, the true and supreme voice of Lawrence University. In this celebratory 26th issue, we will discuss the “Big Event,” as well as the Specht Pages plan for spending the Event’s $40,000 budget. So sit back, relax and watch as Specht Pages begins to seem too logical for your comfort.

Lawrence has a tradition of the “Big Event,” which goes back for who knows how long. Essentially, it is a lot of money that is used to bring in some famous bands that you never heard of, such as Gym Class Heroes. However, due to a host of reasons, such as grumbling about the band choice, the realization that $40,000 just can’t bring in big names, and the lack of a Specht Pages Sponsorship, the Big Event’s future is unsure.

According to the Info Desk, there are 1,525 students in attendance at Lawrence. This means that every student pays $14 per year for the Big Event to take place every two years. This, unfortunately, would not make for a very nice redistribution of wealth, as in the “just give the money back to us” plan.

Are you wondering what the Specht Pages team would consider amongst the options for spending the money? We’re glad you asked! We spent the past few months compiling a comprehensive list of stellar ideas of what to do with the money. Here they are:

-Replace the Enterprise Car Share vehicle with a new Chevy Camaro convertible.

-Upgrade the printer paper from 20 LB to 22 LB.

-Build a basic rock climbing wall in one of the two remaining racquetball courts.

-Adopt dogs that could be checked out at the library.

-Replace the three rental bikes at the top of the campus center stairs with three Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

-Build a canal across campus for swimming during the summer and ice skating over the winter.

-Build a bronze statue of President Emerita Jill Beck in the center of the Quad

-Equip campus security with assault rifles for an added sense of safety and security on campus

-Create a small petting zoo on Main Hall Green complete with cows, pigs, porcupines and screaming goats

-Buy a complete set of scuba suits for the Wellness Center pool

-Build a jungle-gym on Main Hall Green

-Build a slide that goes down Memorial Hill and into the Fox River

-Equip each residence hall with Isis3D brand 3D printers

-Convert the Wriston Amphitheater into the Wriston Aquarium, complete with fish and small whales

-Hold a cook-off involving 8,000 pounds of hickory smoked bacon

-Pay Specht Pages to host an all-night extravaganza

-Bring John Phillip Sousa IV to campus to give a Convocation

-Build a fancy tree house on Main Hall Green

There you have it, the Specht Pages Plan for the $40,000. But seriously, ladies and folks, wouldn’t it actually be great to have Harley-Davidsons? In fact, if we spend our money wisely, we may even be able to get three Harley-Davidsons and the assault rifles! “You heard it first from Specht Pages!”