Are you superstitious? Would you like a view into the future? Hello and welcome to Specht Pages, the true and supreme voice of Lawrence University. In this celebratory 29th issue, we present you an extra-special Specht Pages complete with your very own horoscope. So sit back, relax and watch as your life is spelled out right before you.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Your bulk sweets purchase at the Corner Store will far exceed your expected price. Beware: it’s over six dollars per pound. Please note that you could get a 10 pound bag of “Pure Sugar” at WalMart for less than $6.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You will somehow make it through another week of classes. However, it will be at the expense of the upcoming week due to your continued procrastination.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): When you walk into Sampson House for the first time this week, you’ll be overwhelmed by both how majestic it is and how clean it is.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): In your chemistry lab, you’ll create the cure for cancer by accident, but also not realize it and subsequently discard it.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Some hooligans will try on your underwear, change the temperature on your refrigerator, move your laptop over a few inches and replace your lamp’s light bulb with one of the black light variety. You should seriously consider locking your room.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): You will realize that Lawrence’s futile attempts at character building through the Honor Code and volunteering will not, in fact, turn you into the self-sacrificing gentleman that you yearn to be.
Libra (September 23-October 22): You will hear a great spiritual truth this week; however, your postmodernist view will hinder your understanding.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You will join in on singing happy birthday for someone in Andrew Commons. However, after it is over, you’ll be left wishing that someone had remembered your birthday.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Plato’s Cave will have new meaning for you this week as you go spelunking through the secret Lawrence University tunnels.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): This week, you will prove once and for all that the chicken came before the egg; however, your math will indicate that you came from that same egg.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): During a walk around town, you’ll see a puppy looking for a new home and regrettably walk on due to the campus’s unfortunate pet policy.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): You will realize that while you have several pictures of and with President Burstein, Lawrentians no longer subscribe to the “no pic, no proof” policy for Lawrence University presidents.
There you have it, a glimpse into your life for the next week. At this point, you’re probably thinking: “This isn’t going to happen to me! I have free will!” Well, I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but you don’t.