Women’s Hockey Wins National Championship -mts

Ted Greeley

Over spring break the women’s hockey team traveled to Plattsburgh, New York to compete in the women’s D-III frozen four. The first game to be played was against Lawrence’s archrival Plattsburgh.
Plattsburgh, in front of a home crowd and holding onto their three consecutive national titles, seemed to be in control before the game had begun. Lawrence had miraculously beaten a number of teams to get into the tournament; it is unclear which teams they played due to poor ESPN coverage and my antennas’ inability to get ESPNU.
Plattsburgh got out to a seven-goal lead in the first period, when Lawrence got their first shot on goal. Senior Leila Sahar, captain of the girls, commented later, “That was a big morale booster, I mean Plattsburgh was pretty intimidating and getting one shot in the first period really boosted us for the next two to come.”
The second period seemed to be heading the same way until head coach Chris Lawson began swearing at the refs about steroids and HGH. Lawson evidently had been given an inside tip that Plattsburgh was juicing on the bench during the game. Or maybe he just looked to his left.
At any rate, Plattsburgh was immediately disqualified and the Vikes advanced to the final, ending Plattsburgh’s hope of another national championship. After being mauled by Plattsburgh fans after the game, Lawson commented through a bloody lip, “Had to do it, this is a pure sport and we don’t need any of the hoopla like baseball,”
Lawson then took a stick and slashed the Plattsburgh fans across the face as hard as possible.
The National Championship game was played the next day with the Vikes taking on the hated Manhattanville somethings. Manhattanville had lost their seven best players and three goaltenders to a serious flu-like disease that was later found to be induced by a small poisonous plant found only in and around the Fox Valley.
When foul-play was cried, head coach Lawson commented, “It’s not my fault they are stupid enough to eat the plant, honestly, people think before they eat.”
The game was defined by the seven fights that occurred, including a memorable battle between assistant coach Patrick Greeley and assistant coach Ted Greeley over whether they should have Pepperoni or Sausage Pizza after the game.
Chris Lawson stepped in and declared ham to be the meat of choice, and the conflagration ended with all three coaches being escorted off the premises.
Leila Sahar was told the Vikes would forfeit unless a coach was found and Sahar called to the team’s tutor in the stands to come down and act as coach. The tutor shouted at the ref, “What? Are we waiting for the ice to freeze?” and the game began again.
After the third period the score was still at zero, as Lawrence had been unable to get the puck past the defenseman Manhattanville had dressed up as a goaltender.
In the seven subsequent overtimes, the teams battled but no team got an edge until six of the Manhattanville players collapsed on the ice from exhaustion, Caitlin McIntyre had her wisdom teeth fall out, and Susan Chadwick threw her stick at three unruly fans, who closely resembled the coaches, only now in flannel shirts, denim overalls, sailors caps and referring to each other as cousin Darryl.
The game was declared a draw and for the first time in NCAA Women’s D-III modern college hockey history, a national co-champion was declared. After the game Erika Thiede, the lone Lawrence shooter, threw her national championship medal off a bridge because she believed it was made by Wal-Mart, and Emma Nager pawned it for a sweet bandanna. A pep rally was planned to be held April 1, but due to low publicity is was canceled and the team went and watched “Slap Shot.”
Sue Spang commented after watching the movie, “That was the worst movie I have ever viewed and I will never play hockey again because of it.” Congratulations to the Vikes on this outstanding achievement.