When John and Sara engaged in sexual intercourse after a night of Captain Morgan and Soulja Boy, both expected their dirty doings to spread throughout the Lawrence Bubble faster than a Viking Conservative through a crowd of gays. To their surprise, however, news of their illicit escapades has been nonexistent. “Yeah, usually my friends know exactly where my hands and mouth have been,” said Sara. “Everyone knows everything about everyone at this school, so when I hooked up with John, I thought my gal pals would play their part and act surprised.” But when her friends didn’t say anything, Sara found herself at a loss. “I mean, I don’t know what to do,” the befuddled girl said. “I hooked up with the guy just so people would talk about it, because obvi I like it when people talk about me.” Obvi. John, too, is perplexed by the silence of his “bros” in regards to his pornographic adventures. He claimed that he even snapped a few action shots with his iPhone and distributed them to his friends via multimedia text message. A ballsy move indeed, but nothing seems to have come of it. “Not one response, I swear,” John swore. “Not even a ‘LOL’ or ‘OMFG.’ Very weird, man.” Weirdest of all, perhaps, was that the couple’s foray into Downer the following morning went totally unnoticed. “I was even wearing his hoodie,” said Sara. “How much more obvi can I make it?” The two say that simply telling their friends about their rum-soaked tryst is out of the question. “It’s not our job to tell anyone,” lamented John. In the past, John’s hook-ups have been the subject of many laughs and equally as many awkward silences. Now, he feels as though he has nothing to talk about in social situations. On the other side of the coin, Sara claimed she is unable to concentrate on her schoolwork. Her friends report that she has started all conversations with, “Oh my God, I do not even want to talk about Friday night!” for the past week. The two came to ****The Lawrentian*** in hopes of sharing their story in a more sensational way. No one reads ****The Lawrentian****, and we have changed their names as well, just to spite them and their HPV-spreading ways.