Sexiled: A reporter at large

The basement lounge of Trever is cold at 3 a.m., but at least it’s empty and the couches are long enough to sleep on. I toss my belongings onto a nearby chair and begin my account of this sorrowful evening.

This is my third attempt at lodging of the night. Most recently, I was removed from Warch after falling asleep in front of the fireplace. My teeth were brushed, bed constructed and I was wrapped snugly in my sheets, head on my pillow. I slept restfully for two hours before a security officer woke me up and asked me to leave.

“But I’m studying,” I protested, Indicating my computer on the table, and the dog-eared copy of “The Princess Bride” I had been reading before bed. “Modern literature. Class.”

He was having none of it. I blearily rearranged the furniture and began the long, cold walk to Trever in dismay.

My original plans for the evening involved a daring attempt to spend the night in the most luxurious of campus suites: the fourth floor of the library. I was ousted when, even in my brilliant attempt to hide in a stall with my feet up a la “From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler,” a security officer found the need to relieve himself and entered my stall. I remembered the classic saying when dealing with dangerous animals, such as snakes: “They’re more afraid of you than you are of them” and attempted to employ various Jedi mind tricks, etc. in order to stay. Lawrence security officers are not dangerous animals. I was politely removed.

Now I am laying down to rest. My meager means of survival include a pillow, a blanket, a toothbrush, toothpaste and an LU I.D. card worth about $200 in food. I must eat my rations carefully. I have another long night to survive.

This is my second night enduring the pain of having a roommate in a committed and loving relationship. How, you may ask, did I weather the first? I was taken in by friends with open arms.  However, after one night, my sinus, bladder, and gastro-intestinal problems forced them to turn me away.

“Guests and fish stink after three days,” they said, “but you stink after one night. Stop eating so much tofu or something.”