In Attempt to Spark Political Activity, Administration Deletes Facebook; Hundreds Protest on Main Hall Green


The administration has pulled the boldest move of their year-long effort to engage more Lawrentians in political activity as they deleted Lawrence University’s Facebook network which included the 15,000 separate individual profiles.
Jill Beck explained that while response for the and the Andrew Sullivan convocation has been “incredibly positive, students still seem to not take their roles as agents of our nation’s future as serious as they needed. Too many students remain comfortable not participating in the nation’s democratic process.
“This is not entirely their fault seeing as modern students are barraged with fun distractions. Why would a student research Guantanamo Bay when they could sit on Facebook and play Jetman all day? I mean, I love playing Jetman and personally know its addictive qualities.”
“But a special committee appointed to address this ubiquitous apathy drew the conclusion that it’s our responsibility to save our students from themselves and eliminate such superfluous distractions as Facebook.” The news was met with almost uniformly negative reaction among the student body.

Syeed Komail Abbas , a freshman Lawrence International student from Pakistan said, “I come from a country that has been run primarily by the military for the past decade, but no Pakistani could imagine such an atrocity as this.”

Zach Patrick-Riley, junior, said, “I feel like there’s a piece of me that’s missing. I’ve finally come to understand my grandfather who lost both legs in WWII.”

Ben Ott may have been the most affected by the move, “I save all my homework in Facebook messages to myself,” explained the junior Spanish major.

After the initial shock of not having any excuse to avoid one’s homework was overcome, the students held mass protests on Main Hall Green.

Nancy Truesdell, Dean of Students, responded to a Lawrentian interview, confiding that, “while we appreciate all forms of political activity, this is not what we expected or hoped for.”
The protests were peaceful, except for a single student, who had a slight altercation with security. He, along with the three members of his quad – who were behaving peacefully at the protest-were all suspended indefinitely without a chance to defend themselves. The administration sent out a letter ambiguously explaining the situation while reassuring students and their family’s that the campus was still safe.

Junior Drew Baumgartner walked by, taunting the distressed protestors, “You guys are so superficial. I mean, do you even know that Bush suspended habeas corpus?”
“Is that one of those applications?” asked a Lawrentian who was just left his Freshman Studies class. “Because I hate those things, except for LolCats. I love LolCats.”

It should be noted that more people were expected to attend, but the protest proved incredibly difficult to organize since Facebook events were not an option. “I have to add two hours to my schedule everyday,” explained freshman Kevin Gabrielson, “now whenever I want to talk to one of my friends, look at photos of sweet parties or spy on what my ex-girlfriend is doing, I have to walk halfway across campus.”

A candle light vigil is planned for every night through next week at 10:00 pm on Main Hall Green in the memory of the thousands of Facebook profiles that have lost their lives.