Events of fantastic proportions unfolded recently at Lawrence University. Professor Bertrand Goldgar met an untimely end while protecting a fellowship of English majors from the Gender Studies department. Upset about Goldgar’s insinuations regarding their academic validity, members of said department decided to pursue him and put an end to the muckraking once and for all. The chase started in the Grill, Goldgar’s usual haunt, where it quickly moved outside and toward the unfinished land bridge. Skyler Silvertrust, one of the fellowship, reports that, “All of a sudden there was a huge ROAR and Goldgar got all rigid and was like, ‘This foe is beyond any of you.’ And then we just started running.” Scared for their lives, the students ran across the land bridge. The situation was about to escalate, however. The Gender Studies department had conjured from the depths a gigantic fire-spouting vagina-the Valrog. Goldgar, in an unprecedented act of altruism, stopped running, turned to face the beast, and brandishing his cane, yelled, “Fuck you!” Chuckling at the irony of his statement, he lightly tapped the bridge, causing it to split in two. The Valrog tumbled into the abyss, but not before unleashing a fiery fallopian tube and dragging Professor Goldgar along with it. Goldgar’s demise led to a strange mix of mourning and celebration throughout the campus. Soon after the Battle of the Land Bridge, mysterious changes swept through the English department. Most drastic was the elimination of all works written before the 20th century (excluding the Romantic period) from syllabi around the department. While the vast majority of unsophisticated English majors were unfazed by these changes, a select few, led by the stalwart fellowship, grew increasingly troubled. They detected a dark storm brewing on the horizon. Indeed, the situation was about to escalate. During these increasingly dark times, these select few took to wandering campus, copies of A Tale of a Tub clutched to their breasts. On Tuesday afternoon, three such students were walking across Main Hall green, lamenting the current state of their beloved English department when they were suddenly bathed in a bright light and startled by a thundering voice. “My students, I come to you now at the time of greatest need.” The speech began eloquently, but soon deteriorated into a terrible hacking cough. Senior Caitlin Gallogly, present during the incident, said, “At first we thought it was Spurgin because it smelled like bowtie, but when the coughing started, I knew.” She adds that the fit was concluded with a high-pitched “Meep!” The light dissipated, and her suspicions were confirmed as a white robed Goldgar stood before her. Since then, balance has been restored to the English department. Students are no longer able to get away with rambling, unrestrained answers to simple discussion questions. The phrase, “Okay, this might be a stretch.” before any answer is not allowed. Nervous laughter is a taken for a sign that the work is smarter than you and you don’t belong in the classroom. Overuse of the word “like” leads to a verbal flogging at the Main Hall clock.