Regarding Recent Changes in Tuition Rates

There has been much curiosity, mainly from the student body, in regards to a recent notification from the Lawrence University administrative staff describing a 3.5% increase in tuition fees.  What many students do not realize is the overwhelming importance of this hike in prices, specifically where the money is going.

As many may have noticed, there have been an increasing number of late-night fire alarms in certain residence halls recently.  While this issue may not strike one as particularly dangerous at a surface level, it has come to the attention of residence hall staff that a majority of students have acclimated to the blaring alarms at one or two in the morning, to the point where they are able to roll over and fall back asleep with this repetitive screeching as a kind of haunting lullaby.  In the event of a real fire, all of these students would likely perish in a comfortable slumber.

It is important to note that 100% of these recent alarms have been caused by careless use of the microwave ovens placed on each floor, specifically with dried corn kernels, referred to by those who abuse them as “popcorn”.  Although these alarms are specifically in response to burnt popcorn, the buildings must still  be evacuated and the fire department called each time an alarm is set off.

The administrative board has made the difficult decision to increase tuition in order to afford the latest in fire alarm technology: Smart Alarms which will detect the difference between a real fire, and the burning remnants of corn placed in a microwave for four minutes and twenty seconds because “that’s hilarious haha and basically the right amount of time I’m pretty sure.”  These smart alarms may be expensive, but are projected to save many lives, should a real fire ever be started by a wayward candle flame or malicious individual stressed out because calculus two is way too hard.  Just remember when you’re filling out the FAFSA that, while it may be tough to make ends meet, you’re more likely to survive another year here.