The Specht Pages: Major Changes

Are you unsure of what major to choose? Do you wish you had more options? Perhaps fewer? Hello and welcome to Specht Pages, the true and supreme voice of Lawrence University. In this celebratory 40th issue (that’s right — break out the champagne), we will address the recent hype on campus about the addition of the neuroscience program. We will also explore which new majors should be made available at Lawrence University and which ones should be removed. So sit back, relax and allow Specht Pages to adequately replace your friends, family and any sort of “significant other.”

Lawrence University is described as a liberal arts college and conservatory of music. As follows, the fields of study should fall into the domains of liberal arts and music. According to Wikipedia, the modern usage of “liberal arts” refers to mathematics, science, arts and language. Additionally, Wikipedia further suggests that the arts include architecture, sculpture, painting, music, poetry, dance, theatre/cinema, photography, comics, video games and food.

With our limits so broad, we at Specht Pages would like to suggest that add the following majors be added: Music Performance on Harp, Shawm and Jaw Harp, Culinary Arts and Aviation/Piloting.

Believe it or not, the Lawrence Conservatory does not offer harp as a field of study despite its inclusion as part of standard repertoire of the modern symphony orchestra. Not only will this major attract a wider base of students to Lawrence, but it will also help fill the harp positions in the Lawrence Symphony Orchestra and Wind Ensemble. Moreover, the students in the studio will be of high demand to perform at many events on campus (most of which are receptions). They can charge $50 to play background music to set the mood.

The majors in shawm and jaw harp will be added mostly just to annoy everyone else.

The Culinary Arts program will be based on an agreement with Bon Appetit. In this agreement, Lawrence would hand over the students interested in the culinary arts and Bon Appetit would set the students to work: baking pies, skinning cows, frying chicken and packing sausages. This would benefit the students because they get the opportunity to study in an exciting and yummy field while also benefiting Bon Appetit because they have free labor (or perhaps even paying-to-work labor). The only losers in this situation are the patrons who will occasionally have an undercooked hamburger or a vegan pizza with cheese.

While we’re at it, maybe Facility Services can also contribute by adding internships in locksmithing, carpentry and flooring. That way, Lawrence can become a liberal arts college with a conservatory of music AND a trade school! And perhaps Campus Security can help create an internship in criminal justice!

You may not realize it, but aircraft and flying are the future of transportation, so it would be prudent for Lawrence to prepare students for this up-and-coming field.

There you have it: a succinct guide to the future of Lawrence’s academia. Now that I think of it, perhaps we can also add a major in Spaghetti-O’s with a minor in meatballs.

“You heard it first from Specht Pages!”