It is with regret that I send out this letter, which is in lieu of this week’s school newspaper. Unfortunately, with the passing of a writer, the school newspaper is at a loss, and unable to compile a paper for the week.
As you may have heard, a student of ours has passed on this week. The death of Chester Fishler, a surprise to us all, has been ruled to be an accident. We are not quite sure what the accident was, but we’re fairly certain there was no foul play involved.
His body will be shipped back to Boston, where his funeral service will be held. A candlelight vigil will be held in the student-run garden this Wednesday. Please remember campus policy prohibits the use of candles on campus. Candles will not be provided.
I have reached out to Serena Summers, the student who found Chester’s body, hoping she would have words of strength to offer in this time of sadness. However, all she had to say was, “The fingers … in the dirt … finger … dirt … oh my god … dirt!! Fingers!!”
It is apparent that Ms. Summers was more than a little traumatized by this experience Please don’t worry, she has been referred to counseling services. Her residence life advisor was even kind enough to walk her there herself!
To any students who also find themselves traumatized over this news, we will be implementing a new therapy group starting this coming Tuesday. Designed for students who have been affected by this recent death, Chats for Chester will center on the topic of Chester Fishler, his accidental death and how it makes you feel. Since the death of one student affects every person on this campus, I expect to see all of you there. However, please remember that this event is not mandatory.
In other news, students are still experiencing problems with tossing cookies, cakes and doughnuts — all sorts of desserts. As well as all of their other food, to be honest. We still are not certain of the cause of this outbreak, and our investigations continue. It seems like cafeteria attendance is at an all time low, yet upchucking students are still rather common.
Speculation has risen since the death of Chester Fishler that the food poisoning may be his fault, as decomposing bodies certainly can’t be good for the plants, right? We encourage students to abstain from eating anything provided by the student-run garden, as it is probably contaminated.
Although if you really want to eat from the garden, you may feel free to do so; as always, waste not, want not!
Please remember to pay thanks to the Grapeville Water Treatment Plant; we do, after all, have them to thank for all of the water on campus (at a great price too!). Weekly gratitude can be sent in cash or check form. We will soon be going paperless — check out the school website in a week or two to see how you can pay your dues electronically. How exciting!
That is all I have for you this week. As always, please feel free to contact me with any comments, complaints or concerns at email@example.com.