So Saturday, on the last day of April, I went to see the new Key and Peele—has anyone ever realized how British those names sound together? They sound even more British then Fry and Laurie, and those were actual British dudes—movie “Keanu,” which was quite good. It featured, among other things, Keegan Michael Key convincing a bunch of drug dealers that George Michael was a light skinned “O.G.”—the movie’s word, not mine; Jordan Peele making a calendar of Keanu the kitten re-enacting various scenes from classic cinema of the ‘80s and ‘90s—but only for his personal use, which is a little weird; and Anna Faris with a samurai sword. Notably, Keanu the kitten is voiced by the actual Keanu Reeves—and not just like the one part of the movie where Reeves talks, either. Reeves actually did the meows and everything. Testament to Reeves’ acting abilities aside—he has done good work—that is a pretty cool thing for a dude to do, I think we can all agree.
But you did not come here to read me describing a movie you should go see. No, you came here for only the hottest, spiciest of takes, and trust me when I say that Keanu is relevant to the subject at hand today. That is this plain and simple truth: Kittens are overrated.
I know, I know, you’re going to all write in a bunch of complaints about this, and I am going to have to open up a mailbag especially to illustrate why you are wrong in your opinions and why your takes are not sufficiently hot to rustle me. But I do not care about that right now. I am here to tell the plain and simple truth that kittens—and let us add puppies to the list as well—are overrated.
The first thing is that they are not as cute as people say they are. I may have a cold obsidian stone forged by the proud dwarves of Middle Earth instead of a heart, but I can assure you that I myself am not unaffected by cute things. But kittens are not cute. They are manipulatively cute, intentionally trying to trick you into thinking they are cute when in fact all they are is a miniature cat. Making something smaller does not necessarily mean something is cute. Nobody would think a velociraptor that only comes up to your ankle is cute. They would be thinking, “Oh God, there’s a velociraptor near my ankle! Get it away before it destroys my ankles in its ravenous desire to feed!” A kitten is just the same as a tiny velociraptor: a thing that fundamentally does not like you, but in smaller form.
The second truth is that kittens are not cute because cats are not cute. Dogs can be a lot of fun and cute, provided you have the right one. The right dog can respect your privacy, not bark too much and know how to behave around strangers—my dog does not do this, but he is still super fun and cute—what do you mean I’m being a hypocrite? A dog can do all of this, while a cat is fundamentally a moody, disagreeable thing. A cat will get on your computer when you are trying to work. A cat will scratch you even if it has lived with you for years. A cat will eat your corpse if you have a heart attack and die on the kitchen floor, while a dog will starve to death rather than eat you if you have sufficiently bonded with it. That is way less deserving of scorn than anything a cat does—because if the dog will die if it does not eat my dead body, I would let it eat me. Hopefully it would pick me to the bone and leave me a skeleton, as that would be hardcore.
Do you still need more convincing? All right then, let us go with the fact that kittens are overrated because baby animals—and, come to think of it, human babies as well—are awful to deal with. A kitten has a good chance of not knowing how to use the litterbox for quite some time. It gets in the way, and it also needs constant care. If your definition of cute requires something to be overbearing, then congratulations, any and all small animals are right up your alley. However, kittens are have no chance of fitting in my definition.
Just like with cats, you cannot spend very much time with them. When is the last time you saw someone taking a cat or a kitten for a walk? I’ll tell you when—never. Cats are fundamentally irksome creatures who do not like you, and to just assume that you can bond with them any more so when they are small and cuddly is an inaccurate notion. This is why I declare kittens to be overrated.