Ask A Fifth-Year: Integrity

Jacob Horn

Dear Jacob,

This is my question: I am concerned with the integrity of this column, as the previous week’s installment seemed to take very lightly its duty as a provider of advice to inquisitive students. What do you have to say for yourself?

Signed, Angsty Youth

Not much, Anonymous; still reading? Okay then, let’s get on with this.

I suppose, Angsty, that you are referring to my refusal to answer Jack Canfield’s question in my previous question. He asked if I could help him think of ways to creatively get a quad in Hiett next year. In fact, I feel that I provided an appropriate answer to his conundrum; I told him and his junior roommates, and I quote, “You’re all screwed.”

Maybe I could have taken the time to delve into the hypothetical and help this young and impressionable student. Maybe I could have thought of some wacky hijinks that he could do to ensure a spot in Hiett.

I should have encouraged him to break into Brokaw and alter his lottery numbers. And then I would have called Security and alerted them to the break-in, watching and laughing as the poor junior is taken away.

Or maybe I could have talked him into living somewhere else. If only there was some previous column of mine that outlined different living arrangements that he could have pursued. Oh, wait, I did. It was my previous column. And no, Ask a Five-Year-Old doesn’t count as my previous column.

I’m curious, Angsty, when you thought this column had any integrity at all? Was it when I told students to make mudmen in the absence of snow? Perhaps it was that column I did that was all about mustaches. Five hundred words of mustaches.

Maybe it was that one article where I whined like Andy Rooney about those young ones and their newfangled “longboards.” Oh, I know. It must have been that column I did where I ranted about the Blu-ray special edition version of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi.

You see, Angsty, I chose to be timely with last week’s column. I tried to touch on multiple issues that were affecting our campus last week. I briefly mentioned the “hipster” article, that frightening article demanding Lawrence’s adherence to one religion and ultimately the hypothetical instatement of overload fees.

Instead of repeating myself and rambling incoherently once again about the different living arrangements that this youth could pursue, I opted to bring a fresh topic to a more incoherent front. If I didn’t write about this topic, I would have forgotten about it. And also, I thought it was pretty funny.

I would like to take the time to end this article with a reminder to my dear and devoted readers: The title of this column is “Ask A Fifth-Year” not “Receive Answers From a Crotchety Old Student.”

If you would like me to ignore or otherwise rant and rage at you like a lunatic, e-mail me at I might respond.