Hippo City

James Eric Prichard

The ease with which most of us go about our daily lives makes us lazy. Colmanites will not party at Trever if it is too cold out, although students at many schools would find the distance between the two dorms laughable.Colmanites are also complaining because Lucy’s will close once the campus center is built and they do not want to walk to the east side. But the residents of Colman are not the only offenders, even if they are the biggest milquetoasts on campus and seriously need to buck up.

The Sage Cage would grind to a halt if its elevator were to shut down, and art majors don’t have the energy to take real classes. Some conveniences, however, are acceptable: No one will blame you for quitting Food Services for a cushy job at the library. I hope to help you by outlining several conveniences and the acceptability of taking advantage of them.

Invented by Otis Elevator, elevators vary in their acceptability. A complex algorithm that factors in elevator speed, capacity, number of floors, and warmth of alternative stairways determines the level of appropriate use for each elevator. The Colman elevator should only be used if you are moving in or out, or if you want to turn the lights off and ring that little bell. The Sage elevator can be used unless you are going to the second floor, and the Hiett elevators can always be used but can you guys please not barf in them?

Handicap buttons at doors are OK to use if you are carrying something heavy, but not if you are pushing something. We all know that you can hold the door open with one hand and push or pull the cart with the other, and pretending that you are Reed Flygt just makes you look weak. In the winter you should not use the buttons unless you are forced to because your needless laziness will make everyone in the building cold, and our tuition is not paying to heat the whole neighborhood.

It is acceptable to sleep or watch a movie instead of reading the assignments for a class session. I know how hard it can be for you to read, and I know that much of the content confuses you. We all know that you are more of a “watching movies” kind of guy, as opposed to a “reading books and learning” person.

We only ask that you do not try to compensate for your laziness by reading the SparkNotes and working extra hard during class discussions. If you’re going to be lazy, just embrace it and do not try to fool anyone; your attempts are remarkably transparent.

Choosing classes based on their times is not only appropriate, but advised. Studies show that students who get sufficient sleep perform better academically than those who do not. They also show that students who willingly take 8:30 classes are idiots. Anyone who likes getting up that early must hate partying, and therefore socializing, and therefore must not have friends. These people must spend their evenings playing Scrabble against a computer and writing letters to the Lawrentian that complain about “snide remarks.” These people should realize that we did not miss them at all when they were abroad.

People should not write poor columns just because they are too lazy to make something worthwhile.

One example of a poor column is “the list.” A list column takes a simple premise and expands it until it hits the author’s word count. The ultimate in journalistic fluff, it teaches nothing and is a literary marshmallow. “Meta” self-referencing is equally uncreative. If you don’t have anything to talk about in your column, why not talk about the column itself?

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