Viking Delivery

Bob Trettin

Lawrentians, I could not pass up this opportunity to write about the extraordinary food-related business that has only just recently opened at our school. I can only describe this new development in Lawrence University’s illustrious history as a miracle. The wonderful service which I speak of is Viking Delivery.

Last weekend I was craving some fast food, but had no means by which to obtain any, until I happened across a flier which brought me great joy. This flier introduced me to a delivery service that would travel to local area restaurants, order the food that I desired and deliver it to me.

I immediately snagged one of the tabs and dialed the number. I proceeded to excitedly place my order, and then simply had to wait for the food to arrive so that I could pay my heroic delivery person.

That glorious moment of receiving an inordinate amount of unhealthy food, without the shame and effort of having to order it myself, is one that I will never forget.

I must say that Viking Delivery is everything that is wrong and awesome about our society. By combining laziness with gluttony, this service achieves temporary bliss on behalf of its customers, followed by immediate depression and total reevaluation of their lives.

This, of course, leaves me wondering: Why didn’t someone think of this before? This service is perfect for when there is some big event on TV and you don’t want to leave your dorm, or if you had a bad day and just want to eat your feelings without that annoying hassle of getting out of bed.

The genius is in the convenience. Viking Delivery eliminates perhaps the only factor that might make you reconsider buying fast food: the drive there. On that drive, certain thoughts have time to infiltrate your mind and dissuade you. “I should really watch my figure.” “It’s not worth spending the money.” “I hate myself.”

The beauty of Viking Delivery is that it allows for impulsiveness. It only takes a moment to decide that you want some fast food, all you have to do is call, and those deterring thoughts will only occur to you after you’ve already made the call. As you can see, this is quite the crafty business plan.

It is true that, despite my full stomach, I felt an emptiness inside after finishing the first meal that was brought to me by Viking Delivery. Does this mean I will not continue to take advantage of its services? Hell no.

I will most likely call them up each time they are available. Why? Because it’s easy, it’s enticing, it’s new and it provides many options.

In fact, I could go for some Taco Bell right now, with a side of McDonald’s — and for dessert, Chipotle.

For more information on Viking Delivery, look for the fliers around campus. You can also Like them on Facebook, or follow them on Twitter for the latest updates concerning their services, availability and new developments.