1. Tori Amos, “Precious Things.”
Tori Amos, I worry about you. You write these super-angry songs, and frankly this one is creeping the hell out of me. I worry you’re going to do something rash, particularly when you start the track off with your extremely heavy, rhythmic breathing and what I can only describe as “evil piano.” And then you bring in the evil guitar and drums and just . man. Thanks for the contribution to my “Long-Awaited-And-Bloody-Revenge” playlist.
2. Hush Sound, “Momentum.”
I used to love you, Hush Sound. Ever since I heard you playing from the room of my freshman-year RLA, Kyle Griffin. But the enchantment is wearing off. We don’t have as much fun together as we used to. Sometimes I’m not in the mood for your catchy pop tunes and pleasant male-female duets. It just feels like you’re trying too hard whenever we hang out. Maybe we should take a break.
3. Iron & Wine, “Love Vigilantes.”
Sorry, what was that you were saying, Iron & Wine? I fell asleep the second I heard your sleepy, sleepy guitars. And then you start singing, and how am I not supposed to take a nap right now? Wait, is this song about war? Come on, I can barely stay awake, much less . wait, this song is actually really sad? Yeah, wow . I’m kind of . sorry, I think there’s something in my eye. No I’m fine, I’m just going to go for a second.
4. Florence and the Machine, “Kiss With a Fist.”
This album is my current second favorite, next to any of Owen Pallett’s. Although I have to admit, Florence, I really wasn’t sure how this song fit in with the rest of the genius at first. But then I got up and danced around to it, and as my limbs began to flail about in wild abandon, I realized why you included it. And also why I have a single.
5. Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, “Boring Fountain.”
This music is just so adorable. You know that movie “Big”? With Tom Hanks? This is the kind of music I think you would get if a whole middle school garage band turned into talented adult musicians overnight. Someone still loves you, SSLYBY.
6. When The War Is Done, “Saint Dizier.”
This is when the several musicals I have on my iTunes start causing problems for me. And this one is particularly obnoxious. What was this lyricist thinking? “As the spring remembers fall?” Seriously? Get a job. Conner Lewis delivers a solid performance in the dialogue break.
7. Josh Groban, “Hymn A L’Amour.”
Great, this is just great. Why are you on my iTunes? Am I planning on seducing some middle-aged moms? I can’t sleep to this. I can’t work to this. I sure as hell can’t make out to this. So what is your purpose? There isn’t one. Then WHY can’t I get rid of you?
8. Phantom Of The Opera, “Phantom Of The Opera.”
Yet another musical from that golden age where every badass song was utterly ruined by terrible, terrible synth drums. Or is that synth? Is that just what drums sounded like back then? You know what, that’s only the start of why this song is terrible.
Why is there Spanish guitar in the middle? Why is there a church organ and a lead electric? Christ, I’ll never get this song out of my head. No, it’s very clear, The Phantom Of The Opera is here – inside my mind.
9. Mitch Hedberg, “Cookies.”
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.” I don’t think I have to say any more about this. RIP, Mitch. For those of you who don’t know, they released a posthumous collection of a bunch of random stuff of his they collected about a year back. It’s pretty great.
10. Zero 7, “Out of Town.”
Okay, I’m just going to accept that “In The Waiting Line” is actually your best song, because the rest of this album is sooooo boooooring. Honestly, I hate to agree with Zach Braff on any occasion, and the whole “Garden State” soundtrack is BS anyways because they only play each song for all of 20 seconds, but I hope you can make peace with your one-hit wonder status.
1. Tori Amos, “Precious Things.”