Andrew Commons menu

With spring term comes the end of hibernation for many Lawrentians, and the added stresses of a newly conscious segment of the student body needing more nourishment than their own stored energy reserves have forced Bone Appetite ® to take some measures beyond the “food” that most are accustomed to. In an interview with youth nourishment aficionado Doctor Isaac Shouten, we see behind the Saran-Wrap ® to the handsome victuals on their way to your trough.


EC: Good afternoon, Dr. Shouten. It is an honor you have deigned to grace our homely table with your presence.


Isaac Shouten: Speak not of it, my child. I come only to feed thee.


EC: Hallelujah! And let it be so.


At this point the author and Dr. Shouten performed the ritual nourishment dance to honor the passing of nutritive authority from the Andrew Lords to the Andrew Commons.


IS: Truly, we have engendered quite a froth! Let me now demonstrate edible use of the new menu items granted to us by our patron saints of fare. Nosh! Grub! Chow!


EC: Nosh! Grub! Chow!


IS: At Ed’s Carvery, blessed be his name and may he carve a thousand roasts, there will be served the infamous Grean Beans. Unlike their vegetable counterpart, these are a long and succulent larva, divided and dyed to resemble their plant namesake. Vegetarians and the fully human alike will notice no difference.


EC: Nosh! Grub! Chow!


IS: Please, do not overuse the sacred phrase—though it is music to mine ears. At Rick’s Grill, peace be upon him and may he char a thousand dogs, there will be served the same creature, though the more mature, thicker pupae, left undyed so as to resemble the heated dogs of old.


EC: Already I ache to dine. And what of Jim’s Italian Pies, long be his life and may he toss a thousand slices?


IS: There, in order to demonstrate our civilization’s progress through comparison, will remain the unchanged pies tossing as they always have.


EC: A relic, and yet toothsome. Dr Shouten, thank you again for unveiling your nutrition strategy for us here at The Lawrentian.


IS: I do what I must to provide feasts to your grublike students. Would that they could hibernate all year!


Elias Cowherd

Mealtime Correspondent