LUaroo lineup LEAKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoo boy, do we got the LUaroo lineup for you, yes we do, and oh man—it’s such a good one! You’re gonna have a blast with your friends outside soaking in the warm rays of spring time on campus and hearing the sweet tunes of so many talented artists that’ll make you laugh, weep and all sorts of stuff—I simply cannot wait for this weekend and you shouldn’t either, but you have to a bit, sorry! Ha ha ha! But it will be well deserved, yes! So let’s dig into this tasty morsel of a scrumptious, exhilarating lineup!

You’re gonna pee your pants when you see these headliners, you ready? Okay, here we go! The two big names we got for you are Toto and Spencer Tweedy! Yippee! Toto, a great up-and-coming synth-noise band, will be playing their hits such as “Somewhere Tonight,” “Time Is The Enemy” and “English Eyes.” I can just hear you squealing with excitement! You might know Tweedy for his work with various rock bands, but I bet you’ve also seen him prancing around campus squeezing his hands together in the most funny and musical of ways. He’ll be performing these sounds in his live unplugged debut, “Melodic Hand Farts and Squelches.” We’ve heard it and are completely comfortable with saying that it’s the next “Dark Side of the Moon” meets Handel’s “Messiah.” Slither your way to the main stage Saturday and Sunday night to hear these two TEAR IT UP!

Some of the smaller big names are pretty good too, though —the Bill Clinton Quartet, The Eagles, BROCKHAMPTON—due to budget cuts, they will be presented via Hologram—and Bucky and the Squirrels. Ol’ Bill was here last year just to talk politics and now he’s he here to talk—or rather, play!—one thing and one thing only. Yummy licks marinated in sugar that’ll pull out your heartstrings and string ‘em up on the mantle. The Eagles need no introduction! BROCKHAMPTON has enjoyed some recent fame and when they grace the massive, structurally-sound and well-built stage LUaroo has to offer, they’ll be SWIMMING in FAME. It’s been a while since Bucky and his infamous Squirrels have been here, but to welcome them back for the 50th Anniversary of this star-studded festival is a real treat—a treat we wouldn’t mind taking a bite out of, that is!

Alright, we know that you mainly wanted the headliners because that’s just how festivals work nowadays, but we swear that the rest of the lineup will have you frothing at the mouth, begging to open the durable, aircraft grade aluminum gates of LUaroo—before you tear them down yourselves! Let’s start at the beginning.

We know how important it is to have great openers to start off the day, and that’s why we’ll begin Saturday by playing the soundtracks from “Shrek 2” and “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2” from a boom box on stage. You may have sunk into your pilly couch, eyes rubbed onto the screen or twiddled the greasy joysticks of your controllers and heard these tunes during your childhood, but your jaws will drop when you hear them shrieking from a decent boom box atop our state-of-the-art, easy-to-set-up and hard-to-take-down stage. Sunday will feature a great blues band to get things going, and with these guys, you’ll feel warmed up to dance in no time, with supple tendons and broiled blood.

Now, I hear you “rock ‘n’ roll” fans complaining a wee bit, but don’t worry—we have you covered too! Get ready to groove and head “bang” to the amplified beats and crumbly chords of Crazy Frog, Hanging Slice and Emma Stone & Ryan Gosling. These folks are top-notch, and we wouldn’t have anyone else stepping and plopping their waxy feet all over our luxurious stages.

There will also be some comedy sets, as we know how important comedy is in the context of music! Clean out those ears—and funny bones!—for a special standup show from My Bloody Valentine, Yellowcard playing only with various sticks, debris and secretions they find on their way here, Hampton the Hampster and alright guys, fine, Punch Brothers.

We have one non-music and non-comedy act, but it is a. Good. One. Yes! Samuel Pratt ’17 (Mathematics, Sax-master) will be performing some of his beloved magic for all! Everyone will fall in love with his sleight of hand technique, but don’t clap too hard or he’ll turn your hands into little salad plates with deafening results! Watch out!

There are a few acts we found just hanging out around A-Town that will be really exciting too, like this dude that sings in the Sims’ language, can you believe that? Heartwarming stuff. And he knows Death Grips, and they’ve been recording with Andrew Adamson (of “Shrek” fame) and it’s great when all the connections in the music world help each other out to bring truly terrific and thought-provoking ditties into the forefront of not only our minds, but our hearts too.

Sit tight, dear readers, just six more names to belch out. Last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, WE LOVE THEM OH SO MUCH are Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch—not to be confused with Mark Burstein or the Burstein Boys—the entire 2018 Pitchfork Music Festival lineup, really really fast, Greg Linderberg & His Goofy Friends, Vulfpeck (Vulf of Lawe Street cover band), Eiffel 65, and some emo math rock band you all like. I dunno, man.

Woo! A long belch indeed but glad to get it all out there! We’ll see you scrunched up in front of the sturdy, firm stages that we can’t wait for all these CRAZY acts to perform on!


Haisasi Leumas

Leaky Boi