President Burstein’s Back, Baby

Actual photo of Burstein’s sick tat.
Photo by YMCA lifeguard

President Mark Burstein was recently spotted sporting some new ink on his lower back.

The 22-year-old president of Lawrence University was seen lounging poolside at the local Appleton YMCA this past Tuesday.

The President was accompanied by his ever-present detail of armed guards. Witnesses report that a sizeable new tattoo adorned Burstein’s lower back, below Burstein’s shoulder tattoo of former US Poet Laureate Natasha Tretheway.

The new tattoo, according to one very trustworthy source, appeared to read “IHRTLUHC”—an acronym familiar to any Lawrence student as the pledge all students must recite each night before donning their Lawrence University standard-issue pajamas and going to sleep.

“The acronym represents an important part of Lawrence’s values,” commented Harper Hall loiterer and sophomore Amos Egleston. “Burstein’s choice to have the acronym permanently etched onto his lower back demonstrates his commitment to liberal arts education. It makes me proud to be a person who frequently is on this campus.”

Critics have said “DAYUM.”

Administration has stated that future incoming students will no longer shake the president’s hand upon matriculation, but will instead be allowed to observe the tattoo for a brief moment.

The Office of Annual Giving expects donations to the Lawrence Fund to increase 300 percent because “Everyone loves a bad boy.”

Burstein was quoted as saying, “What school is this? Where am I?”

The President’s new tattoo will likely not have any bearing on the ongoing negotiations between the United Kingdom and the European Union, but it is too soon to tell.


Allegra “Claritin Clear” Taylor

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