Aries – Pour yourself a drink and cut yourself some bangs.

Taurus – [Cal*fornian accent] [REDACTED]

Gemini – You can stop faking your lactose intolerance now.

Cancer – Embrace the love all around you, even when it is kind of gross.

Leo – Okay? Okay.™

Virgo – We all want to listen to what you have to say, and you have so much to say all of a sudden!

Libra – Probably lay low for a while.

Scorpio – Sometimes you have to cut down trees to fuel your inner bonfire.

Sagittarius – ABBA is back and so are you!

Capricorn – Be your own cowboy.

Aquarius – Minneapolis has so much to offer! Good luck!

Pisces – Time to crawl out of that gutter you are sleeping in and put on a show.