Aries: Omaha is full of baby mommas.

Taurus: Stop quoting Vines all the time.

Gemini: Never let them see you sweat.

Cancer: The Weezer cover band is going to be a solo project and that’s okay.

Leo: Stigmata isn’t always a bad sign. This time, take it with a grain of Stevia.

Virgo: [Gay shaking]

Libra: Cool it on the lectures, straighty.

Scorpio: Nothing’s wrong, you just need some Old Bay.

Sagittarius: Get with it or get lost.

Capricorn: Check your Farmville requests. We are waiting.

Aquarius: But what if it was a frappe?

Pisces: She’s still for sale.