On The Cusp of Enlightenment: An Advice Column

Looking for answers? In need of advice from a Taurus-sun, Virgo-moon, Gemini-rising? Think you can stump me? Email Simone at simone.a.levy@lawrence.edu with your own questions and you just might be featured in next week’s column.

Dear Simone, 

Should I have a child?

Sincerely, Claire 

Dearest Claire, 

Claire, you should absolutely have a child, but before you do, allow me to brief you on some of the basics. The first thing you need to be concerned with is your child’s astrological sign. Their sign must be sympathetic to you and your partner’s respective signs, and you should also be thinking about the kind of child you want to welcome into your life. For example, I recommend against actively trying to conceive a Leo baby, as Leos kind of suck a lot of the time. I mean, not all Leos, you know, but like, come on. If you had the choice to not have a Leo child, would you take it? I suggest not conceiving from late October to late November if you want to avoid ending up with a Leo. In addition, if this is your first child, having a Scorpio baby might not be the wisest decision due to their propensity toward insanity. If you do not want a Scorpio baby, do not try for a baby in early February through early March, as you have a high chance of birthing a Scorpio if you conceive anywhere between those two dates. Claire, I think having a baby would be a wonderful thing. You just have to do it in a smart way. 

Bonjour Simone, 

Thoughts on the gymnastics European Championships in Szczecin, Poland? What do you think about Mustafina not competing? Paseka’s vault? Mélanie De Jesus Dos Santos’ victory? Curious to hear your take on the competition. 

Yours, Bug 

Bug, 

I am so glad you asked! I have quite a few opinions on the eventful week in Szczecin. I will begin with your question regarding Aliya Mustafina. While I am disappointed the Russian Federation did not assign her to Euros, I think that sending Melnikova, Iliankova, Simakova and Paseka made sense. In the exceedingly complex process of qualifying for the Tokyo 2020 Olympics, I think this was a smart move. However, I think Mustafina could have easily replaced Simakova on this comp, considering she did not do particularly well. But Mustafina’s prowess lies in her bar work, and Iliankova and Melnikova had that on lock, especially considering their medals in the uneven bars final. Sticking with the topic of Russia, I thought Paseka’s vault was flawed beyond belief. Her Amanar is beautiful and is only getting better, do not get me wrong. You would not know she recently underwent extensive back surgery, and she looks amazing on her Yurchenko entry. But her Cheng was miserable. She starfish-ed the block onto the table and her legs were a tornado in the air. It was very sloppy and did not deserve the score she received. For the record, she received an 8.5 E-score, or execution score, out of a possible 10, but I counted far more deductions than she was given. Her E-score should not have surpassed eight, and the judges should be held accountable for this screwy scoring. Mélanie DJDS is a superstar and I am so happy that she did well at Euros! She was so clean and really deserved the win. I see her as an all-around medal contender, maybe even in Tokyo, so we will just have to see where she takes it from here. Overall, a great competition and I look forward for more this season. 

Dear Simone, 

Hi! I am only a toddler so I know I have more time, but I am desperate to be taller than I currently am. What can I do?  

Lovingly, Mary Bethany

Dear MB, 

I have a few answers for you. The first one is surgery. My mom has really bad back problems and had to get spinal fusion. She was five-feet tall before the surgery and after it, she gained a half of an inch. She later shrank back down to five feet, but while it lasted, she enjoyed all the pleasures of tallness. Another idea is something that I personally have tried and it has not worked out for me, but it might for you: drink milk. Not any of that oat-soy-almond-piss-bean milk or whatever the L*BERALS are drinking these days, but real, fresh, hot, steaming cow juice squeezed from a bovine teat teeming with unpasteurized ardor. I think calcium is supposed to make you taller? Anyway, I tried it for the first 16 years of my life—drinking a glass of milk every morning—and I am still short. Not like Simone Biles-short, but like Simone Levy-short, if you know what I mean. But Beth, I wish you the best of luck in your growth endeavors. 

Signed, 

Simone

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