On the Cusp of Enlightenment

Dear Simone, 

What do you order at a make-your-own poké bowl restaurant? 

Best, Bono

Dear Bono, 

I’m so glad you asked me this question. In order to avoid confusion at the restaurant and to minimize the amount of human interaction, I hand the employee my order on a note card. My order is as follows: 

Medium bowl (three scoops of fish) 

Two scoops of salmon, one scoop of yellowtail (if it is fresh that day)

Either ginger shoyu or yuzu citrus for the marinade

White rice 

Edamame (a lot of it) 

Red cabbage

Spring onion 

Tempura flakes 

Dried seaweed

Sesame seeds 

Fried onion 

Tobiko (a ton of tobiko) 

Up 

With a twist 

No vermouth 

And the ice you shake it with on the side. 

And that’s my poké order! Thanks for calling in, Bono. 

Best, Simone 

Dear Simone, 

What is your favorite thing to watch on TV? I need new shows to watch. Preferably something exciting but also appropriate for my four-year-old nephew. 

Best, Joe Shmo

Dear Joe, 

Hi Joe! Lucky for you, I have been watching a ton of television lately, which I do not normally do! I am currently deep into season eleven of the Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch,” which I have decided is the best show ever. It might even beat Seinfeld for the number one spot! The show is a hoot and a half. It chronicles a fleet of Bering Sea crabbers — one of the world’s most dangerous professions — and their experiences catching all sorts of different crab: red king crab, blue king crab, bairdi (also known as tanners) and my personal favorite, opilios, affectionately known as “opies.” There is some adult language, if you know what I mean, but it is censored so your nephew should not have a problem. My personal favorite captains are Jonathan Hillstrand and Jake Anderson, but I also have a soft spot for Edgar and Sig Hansen. Wild Bill is another great one. My favorite captain that I hate is Elliot Neese. I hate him because he sucks, but he has had some of the funniest lines in the show. Keith is also okay, but I think he is a little too dramatic and I cannot believe he fired Freddie just for partying a little too hard in Dutch Harbor! C’mon Keith! Live a little! Josh Harris’ voice annoys me, so be prepared for that. I think it is because he has smoked so many cigarettes that he has permanent vocal fry with a side of tobacco phlegm. After I watch it, I feel like I am swaying a little bit. Sometimes I go to sleep at night still hearing the intermittent beeps letting the deckhands know when to drop the crab pot into the sea. I am a real armchair crabber now. So I definitely recommend that show and no other show. 

Best, Simone “Armchair Crabber” Levy 

Dear Simone, 

I need advice. Where can I go to get it? 

Sincerely yours, 

Margaret Thatcher’s Ghost 

Dear Ms. Thatcher’s Ghost, 

I really enjoy the podcast called “Dear Sugars.” But other than that, I cannot really think of anywhere to get advice. I think anyone who writes into an advice column already knows the answer to whatever they are writing in for. Ask a librarian. Ask a bird. It is not that deep. 

Best, Simone 

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