LUCC President DeLaney demands sycophants, concubines

Chris Worman
No longer in power

APPLETON, WIS., JUNE 19TH, YR. 1 AC— In a recent memorandum, LUCC President Cole Delaney exulted in lavish prose that “the LUCC President now exists as a tangible bridge between the Earthly and the Divine—my heavenly right to rule is irrevocable!” In light of his newly recognized Divine status, DeLaney has forbidden all to utter his name aloud except in times of reverence or celebration. Furthermore, all LU materials are being revised to include the new “Year of Our Cole” calendar system.

Since early second term, Delaney has adopted increasingly grandiose trappings of power, including, but not limited to, demanding the creation of a harem, growing angular facial hair, and producing initiatives to promote feasting and carousing. As an example of the lavish spectacle that the LU community has come to expect, the President recently spent three hours bathing in a cauldron of warm milk.

As new divine ruler, Delaney submitted his choices for Council represetatives and Cabinet members, asserting that “This list of names is my word and irrefutable.”

This action lead many followers of LU politics to wail and gnash their teeth. In defense, DeLaney replied, “Just because I’m not in a fraternity doesn’t mean I can’t stack my cabinet and council with sympathetic lackeys too!” adding, solemnly, “Let it be written, let it be done!”

More recently, Lord DeLaney announced early third term plans to dissolve Judicial Board, instituting in its stead shows of gladiatorial combat. Funding for this new endeavor shall come from the added revenue expected from the activity fee increase, as well as the siphoning of funds from the sales of stamps and laundry tokens.

In addition to bloody combat, the reworked budget will fund a series of resplendent cathedrals as well as a Holy Crusade against the filthy infidels at Beloit. Both projects are possible due to the new Indulgences Initiative. Initially, students will be able to purchase indulgences at both the residence hall front desks as well as at the Memorial Union, but in time the process will be completely automated. The proclamation prompted campus-wide reveling.

Not all students are in favor of the new Cole, though. For instance, the LUCC President elicited widespread concern from the student body when he demanded that his Legions hurl their spears into the Fox River, explaining “Neptune mocks me from beneath the waves!” Reports that DeLaney intends to grant his favorite horse a permanent seat on the LU Honor Council are, as yet, unconfirmed.

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