The Compostmodernist:

Dieter Huneryager

Recently, someone posted a comment on one of my articles online asking me, “Do you really do nothing but gripe?” Considering that the basis of my column is trying to point out as many problems or head-scratching trends on campus as possible, I would reply, “Yes, indeed all I do in my column is gripe.” If one wanted to read something positive, one could simply peruse our movie or LU theater reviews or other relentlessly unquestioning articles that make up 95 percent of this newspaper. Nonetheless, there are times when I simply don’t have enough of an argument to fill a 300-600 word article in spite of my barely-contained rage or moderate annoyance at whatever minor foible I encounter. Therefore, I have decided to list a few of the less substantial annoyances on campus in order to form one cohesive article:
Computer Lab Talkers – Last year, I lived in Sage Hall, easily the best residence hall on campus other than Hiett. Not once during the time I lived there did I encounter the unique creepiness of RLAs trying to artificially induce residence hall community spirit, and that alone puts it miles above my freshman year Colman experience. Unfortunately, Sage also usually contains the highest percentage of athletes of any dormitory. As such, the Sage Hall computer lab is a bastion of profound stupidity. For every all-nighter I pulled in that lab, there was either some freshman whining that Kafka is too obscure for a two to three page paper or an art major writing an essay using the word “very” in every other sentence. It wouldn’t have been as distracting were it not for the fact that inevitably, the student would feel compelled to read what they wrote out loud to their friend sitting next to them.
Drunken Freshmen Urinating on Things – True fact: For each of the last two years, someone has drunkenly urinated on the door or in the room of another student on the fourth floor of Sage. I can’t possibly understand the mindset of someone, no matter how drunk, who feels that urinating anywhere other than a toilet or the Lawrence seal in front of Main Hall is acceptable, but I am convinced it is a uniquely freshman phenomenon.
Masturbatory Jazz Musicians Complaining About Masturbatory Jazz Musicians – As an avid eavesdropper, I have listened in on a dozen or so conversations between jazz musicians discussing how other jazz musicians are overly masturbatory in their art. In the course of the same conversation, it is quite likely that I’ll hear at least one of the conversers discuss how everything one learns in the conservatory about music theory is a load of crap, and that music should be more about feeling than compositional rules. Moreso than freshman philosophy majors arguing about free will, such jazz musicians exhibit an incredible lack of self-awareness of the fact that they embody a cliché.
Habitat for Humanity – People should build their own damn houses. I’m just kidding. They’re cool.