News In Thong

Chris Worman

Con gets cleanThe fraternities, in a gesture of goodwill and to squelch years of criticism that they make no clear contribution to the Lawrence community, have generously made the services of three brothers of the Delta Tau Delta fraternity available to the conservatory janitorial staff.

Goldgar explores new horizons too

Professor Bertrand A. Goldgar, who sailed into his rest several years ago and has been persisting in this world out of spite, has embarked on a project that will take him in a new scholarly direction. After 40 years of impeccable eighteenth-century scholarship, including a number of books and dozens of articles, Goldgar has left print entirely and has begun work on his very own rap CD, tentatively titled “Saeva Indignati-yo!”

“Well, I thought since Cornell West could do it, so could I,” said Goldgar of this abrupt shift in medium. “I mean, since I’m dead and tenured, it’s not likely to cause any controversy.”

Sources close to Goldgar say they saw a change coming when Goldgar contributed an abridged version of the fourth book of Gulliver’s Travels to The Golden Book of Children’s Horse Stories earlier this year.

“Death has really liberated Bert,” said close friend Karen Carr, professor of religious studies. “Just the other day I heard him whistling in the elevator.”

When asked about the possibility of a collaboration with “Slik Rik,” Goldgar stated, “Would Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur collaborate? I don’t think so!”

‘Lawrence Difference’ discovered at Beloit, Macalester, Grinnell

The “Lawrence Difference,” long a staple of admissions paraphernalia, has been discovered at Beloit, Macalester, and Grinnell, prompting across-the-board rethinking of the familiar mantra. The nebulous entity evidently consists of smaller-than-average class sizes, higher-than-average tuitions, and thicker-than-average densities of hippies and freaks.

Guch-mobile pulled over by police

Professor Emerita Mari Taniguchi was pulled over by the Appleton Police Department for “cruising the Ave” in her self-styled “Guch-mobile.”

Taniguchi had to be restrained after assaulting officers with her cane and yelling “I want to hear the Rorem!”

The Outagamie County District Attorney’s Office had no comment on whether they would seek a harsh penalty in light of Taniguchi’s hit-and-run attack of the rope-children in front of Main Hall last week.

Ring washers replace token machines

In a huge misunderstanding earlier this week, Lawrence has replaced all of its token-consuming washers and dryers with old-fashioned ringer washers.

Commented a disgruntled Lawrence rep: “The student body complained about the tokens, so we told LUCC to fix it. Needless to say, this is not what we had in mind. Until we import some Appalachian mountain trash types that may actually know how to use these damn things, we’ll be sending all of our privileged, liberal arts student’s laundry to our less-privileged, burgeoning middle-class companions in scholarly pursuits at the Fox Valley Tech.”

Philosophy major bewails Ave. closings, finds mall

Philosophy major Ned Button spent last Friday locked in his Colman single after learning that College Ave. small businesses were closing down. Button, who reportedly noted the closing of the businesses during a drive to the Fox Valley Mall, used Friday as a day of mourning for what he termed “the ruins of capitalism.”

“Gee,” says Button, “The entire way to Abercrombie & Fitch, I could barely concentrate on getting my cargo pants. That Avenue Mall was so quaint. I mean, I never went there, but that was only because I lived in Trever the last two years. You know, it’s a long walk from there.”

Joe Gillyford, close friend to Button, said that it seems everything is being overrun by chains, and hometown charm disappears by the day. “I only wish I had the strength to stand up to it as [Button] did.”

To the relief of R.L.A.s in Colman, Gillyford was able to convince Button to leave his room after only twenty minutes of coaxing. “I knew all he needed was a run to pick up some Subway before stopping by Barnes and Noble. The Source had a review of Rik Warch’s album in it, and that cheered him up right away.”

In a final statement issued five minutes before press time, Button announced that he would not be completing his article for this week’s L„wrenthi„n as it didn’t sound like much fun.

President Warch announces plans for $750 million mausoleum

President Richard Warch, perhaps Lawrence’s most renowned president, has proposed plans to be embalmed and placed within a glass sarcophagus, preserving his earthly remains and yet making him available to the throngs of mourners and gawkers expected to flock to his final resting place. The administrative luminary will be found at the center of an enormous, $750 million concrete mausoleum to be erected on the site of the current Lawrence Memorial Chapel. The massive structure will dominate the Appleton skyline with cyclopean menace—a permanent monument to his greatness. The original plans called for 50 Lawrence faculty and staff to be buried alive, going on to serve him in the afterlife, however the clause was shelved in late-night committee bargaining.

Student at Harvard-of-the-Midwest would clearly rather be at Harvard

A product of the Neenah Public School System and ranked 23 in his graduating class of 126, freshman Ethan Stirwell never fails to remind classmates and friends of the fact that he has acquaintances at numerous Ivy League institutions, including Harvard, Yale, and Brown. The socially ambitious Stirwell has been described by professors as “Reasonably bright, I guess” and has achieved some local renown as the founding member of the Natalie Portman Fan Club, Lawrence Chapter.

New courses created to lure connies across the Ave.

In an effort to facilitate the new general education requirement of diversity, departments throughout campus are adding new courses in the hopes of increasing dialogue between con and college students.

Some of the new courses include “Major British Writers of Music,” “Religion, Magic, and Woodwind Techniques,” and “Ritual, Power, and Orchestra.”

For students in a hurry to fulfill the new general education requirements at once, Lawrence will offer “Vegetation of Wisconsin of Music” (fulfills writing requirement).

“The conservatory faculty have proposed a number of courses that show real potential,” said Dean of the Faculty Brian Rosenberg. Among the highlights, “Schenkerian Analysis in Cross-Cultural Perspective,” and “Growing Up Vocalist,” which is cross-listed as a Gender Studies course.

President Warch to Lawrence Community: “There is no Warch—only Zuul.”

In a cryptic memorandum sent to faculty, students and alumni, President Warch asserted that “There is no Warch—only Zuul.” Coworkers described the articulate academic as glowing with an eerie nimbus of blue light and exulting wildly in an eldritch, dimensional gateway contained in his refridgerator. When asked to comment, Dean Brian Rosenberg, dressed in a silky nightgown, repeatedly asked if this reporter was the keymaster.

Alcohol the answer to all problems for freshman

L
awrence University freshman Tim Granger discovered that alcohol solves all his problems last weekend.

“I mean, my girlfriend dumped me. I got a D on my paper, and I might have a cancerous lump on my shoulder. However, I had about 10 shots of whiskey throughout the night, and I started feeling kind of funny. Everyone liked me when I was drunk too, at least I think they did,” he said.

Even though he threw up twice the next morning, the whole experience was, overall, positive. He forgot his problems. If only he could stay drunk forever, life would be great for the duration, said Granger.

“Drinking is like bill consolidation,” he said. “You know, first you have lots of problems, and then you just have one: you’re drunk.”

In Decorah, Iowa, his mother was asked for comment. “Tim?” she said. “Oh no, he’s not 21 yet. It’s inherently impossible for him to get drunk.” She then turned on the 700 Club and drank some decaffeinated coffee.

Fawcett to Faucet

In a pathetic ploy to improve her public image and emblazon her name among stars, Farrah Fawcett has legally changed the spelling of her name to Fera Faucet. The changed comes after a misspell in The L„wrenthi„n landed her recognition in a critical letter by a woman whose last name is a gentler synonym for the posterior or, as she claims, a kind of footwear.

Gender studies department over-taken by outspoken, self-righteous nymphomaniacs

A surprising revelation by the Fox Valley Community Association and Board of Health on Presumptuous, Outspoken, Misled, and Self-righteous Sexually Unappeasable and Voracious Individuals, or FVCABHPOMSSUVI, revealed that a band of misfits escaped from their care and had resituated themselves as fixtures of the gender-studies department at Lawrence University early last fall.

“We feel terrible about this,” commented FVCABHPOMSSUVI Director Tim Donovan, adding, “but not too bad because no Lawrence student or faculty member seemed to notice the difference.”

There are no plans to rectify the error in the near future.

Prof. Hah gives God a ‘B’

In a bold move, Professor Chong Do Hah of the government department acted on a promise he’s been making for years.

Hah gave God (a.k.a Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, Yahweh) a ‘B’ in his introduction to political Science course.

“I told him first day of class what I’ve been saying for years: God get ‘B,’ Hah get ‘A’,” said Hah. “And if He complains to Warch, what can Warch do? I have tenure!”

“I thought I deserved an ‘A,’” said the Lord and Savior. “I was going to turn the other cheek, but I want my goddamn ‘A!’”

At the time of publication, the grade still stood as a ‘B’ despite God’s threat of eternal damnation.

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