Ronald McDonald announced as next Scarff professor

Chris Worman
Happy happy fun meal

The Public Events office announced Friday morning that Dr. Ronald McDonald has been appointed next year’s Scarff visiting professor. Dean of Faculty Brian Rosenberg stated in a press conference, “We’re very pleased to have such an international figure here on campus as our very first “McProfessor.” In these turbulent times, Dr. McDonald is a real voice of unity.” Dr. McDonald made his name as spokesperson for the famed “McDonald’s” restaurant chain, in which position he became known as a tireless advocate for globalization, international dialogue, good times, and great tastes. In his long tenure, he has served over one billion customers. Dr. McDonald will join Lawrence as part of a five-year world tour he is making on behalf of his company.

Dr. McDonald will lecture for two terms, spending third term realizing his and longtime friend Richard Warch’s vision for the future of the American Grill at Downer Commons. He plans to speak to vegetarian groups such as VERSA about the allure of the double bacon cheeseburger and to groups like the Students for Leftist Action about the benefits McDonald’s impossibly low wages and labor-hostile policies have had for the third world. During his stay here he will teach courses in the economics, social science, and food services departments, including “Super-Size it: An introduction to the macroeconomics of the restaurant industry,” “Would you like fries with that? Oh wait, you can’t afford basic necessities: The role of the super-rich American corporation in an impoverished world,” and “Commercial clowning in cross-cultural perspective.” As an interim counselor at the Career Center, Dr. McDonald will also enrich the campus with his considerable experience connecting youngsters with rewarding and fun employment opportunities.

Dr. McDonald also acknowledges he is “very excited” about bringing to campus some of his colleagues for guest lectures and colloquia, such as Grimace, Mayor McCheese, Birdie the Early Bird, and the Hamburgler, who will give a special seminar on “E-Hamburgling.” Dr. McDonald also promises to bring enough fun paper hats and Happy Meal toys for the entire campus, and refills, he promises, will be complimentary.