Horoscopes for Week 8

These are satire, please don’t follow these or you may be subject to penalty by law xoxo kelly

Aries: A trip to Highcliff where you fight six raccoons will do you no good. Try staying in this weekend.

Taurus: You ever eaten a chili cheese dog with a large coke? This is not the week to try new things no matter how yummy or disgusting they sound.

Gemini: If you’re currently struggling with homework, make sure to let out a bloodcurdling scream at the top of your lungs every once in a while. It helps.

Cancer: Go to panera and ask for a bagel with no hole in the middle. They will cough three times and then let you into the secret bagel society.

Leo: Apply to be a grubhub driver. You get paid to eat other people’s food, I’m pretty sure.

Virgo: When the clock strikes midnight, go to bed. There’s no use in trying to run sixteen miles after the witching hour. It can wait until tomorrow.

Libra: Go to the courthouse and ask to roleplay as a lawyer for the day, and make sure to bring a tobacco pipe and monocle. They will be so endeared by your suave disposition that they will have to let you. Guilty as charged…

Scorpio: Socks and sandals are not NOT the move this week, but watch out as little gerbils will nip at your toes. Some don’t mind, others become enraged at the little tooth feeling.

Sagittarius: Take an archery lesson and then come back to campus and shoot every apple you see in that big basket in the commons. Not only will people clap but they will also cry out of shock.

Capricorn: Listen to Cher and buy a pair of cowboy boots. Your birthday is too far away to feel excited about that so you need something else. This should do.

Aquarius: Buy a pontoon and invite a friend on it, the whole time pretend you don’t have your sea legs. You can get away with a little lie and make your friend giggle. Smooth sailing…

Pisces: Punch the glass of a vending machine with your bare fist and the mutter, “none of these do it for me” then walk away.