There are a variety of candidates on the ballot for the upcoming elections. Photo by Adam Fleischer.
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Disclaimer: this article is a work of satire
In a time of great political contention and polarization, where many voters complain that elections are simply about voting for a lesser evil, a new candidate has stepped up with a far different platform: Doge Reagan (no relation to the late #40).
Doge Reagan is the Flipism candidate for the U.S. Senate, and represents the state of Who Cares, but says, “I may be a Who Caresite, but I believe in the spirit of America, and I believe all of us — Wisconsinites, Californians, Texans, Floridians, whatever — are and can be united by the spirit of a United States.” The Flipist Party has received a lot of attention in recent months due to their new take on how to approach policy: a quarter toss. Doge Reagan’s policies seem to be utterly flippant and even crazy to some, a notable one being his economics policy. This policy seems to be a carbon-copy of “Reaganomics,” which insists on fewer restrictions on large companies and businesses and, according to its supporters, will grow the economy and spread out to people over time. However, this policy has been slammed by many for increasing class disparities among Americans, as well as creating more aggressively expansive companies. Doge Reagan, however, sees it otherwise. In response to his critics, Doge Reagan says, “They can cope and seethe and cry about it.”
Doge Reagan’s rhetoric has been seen by some as flippant and offensive, but to him it is all “for the shits and giggles, and if I get a kick out of it, why shouldn’t you?”. He also applies this attitude to social issues, such as racial justice and climate change, by calling anyone against his continuously-changing platforms “cringe and lame.” Despite his continuous flips on social issues, Doge Reagan sees it as a benefit, saying, “It helps to be revolutionary in all issues, by doing a cyclical revolution of what I think about a problem every Tuesday.”
Doge is, however, most noted for his foreign policy stances, where he says, “I took all my geopolitical education from Hearts of Iron 4: The New Order mod.” This radically different view of foreign policy has given him a far more open picture on problems such as world hunger, climate change, war, civil conflicts and corruption: “According to this chart, we can solve this international dispute if we pump a couple million bucks into it.”
Doge Reagan’s maverick ideas and takes on how to fix America’s problems and to make the country far more just and stronger make him a refreshing option for American voters in this November’s mid-term elections, and I, for one, will be putting my vote in for him.