What if? Oprah version

Nora Taylor

Historians and political scientists love to play the “what if game”: What if Abraham Lincoln hadn’t been assassinated? What would restoration have looked like? What if World War II hadn’t started, would the depression have ended the way it did and would FDR hold the same place in history he does today? What if the American Indians had decided not to help the pilgrims?
Well, there is a new question for all to ponder, and boy is it one for the ages: What if Oprah said yes?
Rod Blagojevich made the best use of his trial time this week by going on the country’s foremost political talk show, “Good Morning America,” and announcing that he had considered giving Obama’s senate seat to Oprah Winfrey.
Blagojevich said, “And then along the considerations we discussed whether or not it made any sense, she seemed to be someone who had helped Barack Obama in a significant way to become president. She was obviously someone with a much broader bully pulpit than other senators. She probably wouldn’t take it.”
While I’m sure investment bankers would love to be a part of “My Favorite Things: Bailout Edition” and participate in a book club dedicated to “Chicken Soup for the Failed Banker’s Soul” I think this is a foolish idea for numerous reasons.
First of all, Oprah is the Queen of America and is far too busy to add another position to her list. Second, she indirectly blamed her weight gain on campaigning for Obama so one can only imagine how much she would put on having to be Obama. Third, Mr. Phil would be even more jealous. Fourth, oh yeah, Blago’s an idiot.
There are so many more interesting Illinois-based celebrities to consider for political appointment. The obvious choice is Harry Carrey, and, dear reader, his death is of little impediment. Will Ferrell isn’t doing much these days, least of all being funny – did you see “Step Brothers”? – he should pretend to be Harry Carrey pretending to know what he is doing in the Senate.
Then there’s John Malkovich. Check out the will power on this guy – at the age of 16 he lost 70 pounds by only eating Jell-O for two months. He would no doubt be the creepiest guy on the Senate, and if he got caught in some kind of tawdry Malaysian-hooker in a Poughkeepsie IHOP scandal, it would be a lot easier to swallow because we kind of expected it.
And although my final suggestion does not hail from the great state of Illinois or have much anything to do with it, I like to think he is at home almost anywhere he goes: Gary Busey.
Nothing screams bipartisanship like Busey’s creatively named acronyms – Busy-isms. The best being, “Freedom: Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Out of Miracles.” And there is more where that came from.
In the end, Roland Burris is a fine choice and Blago is bringing the crazy harder and faster than a drugged-up Mike Tyson could even dream of. While Oprah was an outlandish choice, we should give credit where credit is due – at least he didn’t consider Pete Wentz.