Specht Pages: Concert Etiquette

Kevin Specht


Have you ever been at a concert daydreaming about your capacity to ruin the show for everyone just by yelling or hang gliding? Well, all of us at Specht Pages have as well.

Hello, and welcome to the celebratory thirteenth issue of Specht Pages: The true and supreme voice of Lawrence University. In this issue, we will be discussing the inadequacies of modern concert etiquette. We will also give our recommendations for a new dawn in the concert hall and what we stand to gain from it. So sit back, relax and let us fill your mind with the propaganda and agenda of Specht Pages: The highest authority and representative of the people of Lawrence University.

First off, allow me to speak on the few benefits that we at Specht Pages see in the current concert etiquette. Because of the calm and somewhat boring environment, it is ideal for thinking and writing articles for your favorite newspaper column. Also, it is conducive to taking naps. That is all.

The current norms and expectations in the concert hall are generally not suitable for much of the population, with the Specht Pages staff being representative of that population. We would like to add that eating and drinking-including certain “adult beverages”-should be allowed. If you get tired, there should be no shame in allowing yourself to drift asleep and there should be no ridicule if you need to walk around to stay awake.

One change that we would like to see when the Lawrence Memorial Chapel-better known as the Chapel, but that’s another story-gets torn down or remodeled in 2038 is separate rooms-some call them sky boxes or executive boxes-with the following purposes: a sleep or nap box; a fitness center box; a fireplace box and a swimming box.

A change that could be put in place now is designating the floor seating as “loud seating” where you can throw paper airplanes and beach balls, eat, drink and talk quietly; and “balcony seating” as a place you go if you want to behave like a traditional concert-goer and get the associated aura.

Applause should not be limited to the ends of solos and closures of pieces and displeasure shall be shown if necessary with tomatoes and garlic.

There should be places to perform silent activities such as playing chess and cards. The programs should have Sudoku printed on the back cover. Also, the use of remote-controlled helicopters shall be permitted and encouraged, and fireman’s poles shall be installed to promote fun and quick transportation from the balcony to the first floor.

Finally, all of us at Specht Pages would like to thank Corby Johnson for her perspective and help with the investigative reporting for last week’s column.

“You heard it first at Specht Pages.”