Fashion: Is it a crime? Is fashion a necessary evil? If food is needed to live, then fashion is needed to live fabulously. In all my years as a human being, the one thing I have learned is that fashion is what makes the world turn. With the facts out of the way, let’s talk about what is new and fresh on the scene. If you haven’t heard already, denim is back! Denim jeans, denim coats, denim fanny packs – everything denim. For some people, denim never went away. If you want to look good at a party but still want to party, wear a Canadian tuxedo. Little-known fact: The Canadian tuxedo was actually invented by legendary anthropologist Franz Boas, only to be stolen by some greedy Canadians. Supposedly, he had to hand over his tuxedo in exchange for a bowl of whale blubber he was in dire need of. The more you know. If denim isn’t your thing, a lot of the kids these days are wearing these shaping-up shoes. Thanks to groundbreaking new technology, these shoes enhance that certain part of the body, and they’re Skechers! Jackpot! It’s like getting a massage while working out. A good pairing with the shape-ups are any sort of animal prints, preferably of an exotic animal from Africa. Another option – a little more vanilla but classic nonetheless – is to wear some spandex with your shape-ups or denim. Now let’s talk about what’s not hot. Pants: not that hot anymore, unless we’re talking about hot pants, which are smoldering hot. Smart casual is out; sexy casual is in. You may think vampires are hot, but they’re not. It’s back to zombies, baby. Finally, nothing says “I am indifferent to you” better than sweatpants. Teddy Roosevelt was the first U.S. President to ban sweatpants. His aversion to them was so strong that he frequently hosted sweat-pant-fire parties on the front lawn of the White House. If you’re feeling like a dirty saucebox, the best option for you is probably just to stay in the house and not wear any clothes at all. The cost is low, it’s an original statement – usually non-threatening, though your roommate might not approve. If you find yourself in this situation, remember to keep eye contact at all times and avoid any sudden movements. Try saying your roommate’s name over and over in a soothing tone, as people tend to respond positively to their own names. Another great new genre of fashion that I haven’t talked about yet is diversion clothing or fashion – most commonly used by con men, international playboys and the French. While the genre is only just now gathering steam, Louis XIV is credited as its early forerunner. Great fashion usually follows great men or women. Think of bright colors, mustaches, tap dance shoes and shiny, lacy things and you’ve got it! It helps if you have an obscure animal with you, such as a ferret, a peacock or the still more obscure horned ferret. This style is only for the brave and most chivalrous to undertake. Remember, fashion is an active creature that is both unruly and hungry. Only the daring will survive its wrath. Tread on its grounds if you must, while keeping one hand on your gun and the other on your money.