Inside the Locker Room with the Lawrence University Football Team

Ellie Galvin

Last weekend the Lawrence University men’s football team competed in a beauty pageant at Alexander Gymnasium. This actually didn’t happen, but the following responses were generated by the team when asked what would happen in such a competition.

The entire team came out and performed the pageant dance to “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus. Shortly after the dance performance was over, the first elimination round took place

Junior Dom Bouressa, sophomore Luke Zablocki, sophomore Nick Fillbach, junior Taylor Mandich, junior Sam Wagner, senior Ben Hartman, senior Jed Oestreich, senior Ben Rabenn, sophomore Jake Zdrojewski, junior Bob Jones,  senior Gus Bishop,  freshman Pat Pierson, freshman Brady Busha and senior Tyler Mazur were in the final fourteen.

The next round focused on talent. Dom came onto the stage first where he cleaned a shotgun blindfolded while at the same time “puttin the gravy on da biscuits.” Zablocki ate 50 pounds of mushrooms. Fillbach came out into the spotlight and immediately made everything awkward. Taylor Mandich did multiple Italian impersonations, while Sam Wagner belly danced. Hartman’s talent was to be able to be overly excited about everything, and Jed O played local channels through his ears for the audience to see. Rabenn sung the song from the Catalina Wine Mixer scene from the movie “Stepbrothers.”

Jake Z. was able to laugh obnoxiously at things that were not funny while reciting all the lines from the movie “The Notebook.” Bob Jones shaved his face and was able to grow it back in 12 minutes, and Gus Bishop showed his ability to be a contortionist. Pat Pierson set a car on fire with his mind and Brady Busha raced a KY derby horse and won by eight lengths with the horse having a head start. Finally, Mazur’s talent was his ability to wear any article of clothing despite color and not look dumb in it.

The contestants were altogether entertaining but elimination still took place. The final nine made the cut into the swimsuit competition.

Jed came out daring in a skin colored speedo. Wagner wore a tie dyed one piece that said “Let’s Get Weird” on the back.  Tyler Mazur wore a bright green polo speedo. Ben Hartman wore Lawrence shorts and a cutoff because he was too lazy to change into a swimsuit, hurting his chances of winning. Rabben wore a speedo with a Green Bay Packers logo on the butt.

Pat P. wore his Olympic swim suit signed by Mike Phelps at the ’12 London games, while Brady B. wore leopard print swim shorts with the initials I.P.M. (I’m Pure Muscle) embroidered on the back. Fillback wore a thong, and Luke wore overalls.

The following are the five finalists, their final questions, and their final answers. Sam Wagner- Why the dred locks? His answer: Because I am the Lawrence Difference, let’s get weird. Tyler Mazur – What does it feel like being involved in this contest?  His answer: I dunno man, I just get these butterflies being up here, ya know. It’s just an awesome thing to do. Ben Rabben- How do you look so intimidating all the time?  His answer: You know I’m not really sure, but I like to think it is my big arms and impressive traps. I mean I love to look at them all the time so I feel like everyone else notices them. Jed – What do you look for in a girl? His answer: Any girl will do.

The competition was finally over and the winner was JED O.! His reaction was to smile and do the “truffle shuffle” across stage. He will fulfill the duties of the LU football pageant king for the next year until the next teammate is crowned victorious. Congrats to all the contestants.