Ramble on the roof

Torrin Thatcher

As a profound sports enthusiast, I am always asked a variety questions pertaining to many aspects of the game: How tall is he? What school did he go to? What defense was that? What route did he run? Who got the flagrant foul? Where did he used to play? These are all questions that I’m ready to answer. The crowds of people I watch games with know this, and I’m always ready to unleash these factoids.
But, I don’t give simpler questions much thought. For my birthday one year, my family went to a Badger football game, and my sister made me smack my own head in disappointment when she asked, “What’s first down?” She was in high school at this time and spent many Fridays in the fall attending the games. Needless to say, she never paid much attention.
Growing up with two sisters and a mom was trying for me as a sports fan for several reasons. First, with only a functioning television or two, there were some battles as to who gets to watch the game or Gilmore Girls. This is beside the point because my sisters and mom did know basketball because they played, but there’s more than just basketball in life. My goal as a brother, son, and sports fan is to educate those that don’t understand sports as well as I do. How will I achieve this? Easy. PowerPoint, baby!
I thought of it this morning while in heterotrophs. I spent the previous day working on two PowerPoint presentations. And as always, I was thinking about how to work my schedule so that I can watch the games on tonight. This is when I realized I should make a PowerPoint presentation about sports! Think about it. I could split it up in section for each specific sport and just let it unravel marvelously from there. I’d go over positions on the field/rink/court, well-known players at those positions, some team history, famous games, rivalries, definitions and so, so much more.
“Torrin, haven’t you seen those ‘For Dummies’ books. Wouldn’t that be what you’re doing?” Yes and no. I’ve looked through those books before, and that is when I realized that no one should ever buy those books. People need colorful pictures, diagrams, history, simplification and just the necessary information. Those “books” fail to do that. My presentation will use every different visual aid to help those sports newbs learn.
Who are these newbs? Well, seeing that my house is all females and my dog, I will probably make this presentation with the intent of it being directed towards women (What’s a running back do?).
I know this is a stereotype, but my intent is that these girls will use my presentation to try to join in with their spouse, boyfriend, dad or brother while watching sports. She just wants to show that she cares enough about him, and she’s willing to try to learn about sports.
With my slideshow at their disposal, a chick can freshen up before attending or watching a game. Just envision this: A girl at the bar watching a football game and the field goal team lines up. Not only will she know the difference between an extra point and field goal attempt, but also will she know to add 17 yards to where the ball is on the field because she’ll know that the end zone is 10 yards deep and that the holder in seven yards behind the long snapper.
And, for extra credit, she could bring up Scott Norwood, Adam Vinatieri or Bill Gramatica. If any guy saw this, that girl looks like a gift from above. “Excuse me, bartender. Her next drink, or three, is on me. You know what? How about she just gives me her number, that way I can be of service anytime she needs.”
I’m open for recommendations for my presentation, and since it is eighth week, it may be until the summer time before I go hardcore on it while I’m catching a day game of baseball. If you’d like to a final copy to share with your willing female, let me know. All it will take is hard drive space on your computer, paper, and possibly a few bucks for the “Torrin Buying Packer Season Opener Tickets” fund.