Citizens of Lawrence! I write to you in a time of utmost need! The very roots of our campus’s society are being undermined by heretics who would inflict their own faithless lifestyle upon us all until we were all like them. They sneer at our righteousness, they shoot out their lips and shake their heads, mocking us. In this time of persecution, it is important to band together, and I hope you will stand with me when I say I believe in cleanliness. I am aghast to say that these heretics live among us; in fact, even my roommates sometimes mock me for the fact that I choose to shower daily. But I believe that we are not measured by what we do or believe, and that only good hygiene ultimately counts. This should not be a choice; indeed, for me, it is a compulsion and a necessity. I believe that in writing to the ********Lawrentian********, I can help save those who have fallen into grunginess and smelliness. I believe this is important for each and every one of us, and as a member of this persecuted yet righteous minority, I am launching a campaign that involves signs, T-shirts and sing-alongs. I invite you to shower more often.