Bridge construction begins -dlh

Peter Gillette

Builders began work on the new College Avenue bridge last week, and mayhem instantly ensued.
Packs of wild dogs, whose habitat was destroyed by the bridge expansion, began attacking Lawrentians yesterday. In related news, six students were hit by cars driven by some of the 40,000 new Appleton residents who moved into the area last week as soon as they felt the roads could support them.
The organizers of Woodstock ’99 called the city of Appleton yesterday and asked if, now that there are adequate roads to support large crowds, some sort of rape-and-violence filled music fest could be held this summer. Woodstock ’05 will focus solely on rap, and crowds will be bused in from urban areas across the country.
Upon hearing news of the bridge, Senator John Kerry applauded city officials for “putting hundreds of bridge-builders back to work.” Kerry instantly scheduled another Appleton rally for next Saturday, even though the presidential election is long complete.
“America can do better… and with a bridge like this in one of our finest states, maybe we finally will,” Kerry said, donning a Packers jersey and grinning inexplicably.