VR to ‘phase out’ alcohol altogether -dlh

Peter Gillette

The Viking Room will phase out alcohol sales as soon as its current supply is depleted.
Campus officials cited potential legal responsibility for current or future alcoholism, cirrhosis, liver failure, drunk driving, negative self-body-image, excessive dieting, stool samples sprinkled within Hiett, impotence, pleasantly and unpleasantly unplanned sexual contact, harassing phone calls or e-mails to ex’s or nemesii, and decreased campus turnout to the bar as the reasons for the phasing-out.
“It’s important to note that this is not a ‘ban’,” said Dean of Students Nancy Truesdell. She added: “This is a ‘phasing-out’. ‘Ban’ has all sorts of negative connotations. Perhaps ‘prohibition’ would be a better word to use.”
Professor Jerald Podair of the history department recalled several anecdotes about prohibition from memory and his dinner companions were pleasantly enlightened.
Union officials, who spoke anonymously, indicated that there is a silver lining to this situation: due to current VR usage trends, the alcohol in stock ought to last until 2014.
President Jill Beck said that students are behind this move. In fact, the idea was unanimously endorsed by the respondent to the “Retail Operations Long-term Plan” online survey, who suggested the issue.
“I really don’t think this will commercially hurt the VR in the long run,” Beck said. “By offering over-21 students a thoughtful, calm alternative to the sexually exciting, sensually charged, discount-alcohol, tobacco-filled, ‘fun’ of the ‘Ave,’ we will tap into that altruistic responsible component of the Lawrence student.”
The VR will now become a marketplace of ideas. Students will be able to install artistic projects or mount performance situations within the space, performing for their peers’ donations, with the VR receiving a 10 percent cut.
Financial analysts for the university, incidentally, project a 20 percent **increase** in profits because of slow business at the VR this year. Nobody can seem to figure out what has changed from last year to this year in the VR that could make it seem like a less “cool” bar.
“By manipulating the Core Alcohol and Drug survey’s results, we have determined that relatively most Lawrence students have a glass of red wine with dinner twice a week, and that’s about the extent of it,” Truesdell said.
Beck, for her part, was excited about the change, and the new possibilities the dank, dark, scummy space offers for campus artists. Paul Shrode also believes that this will have further financial benefits:
“Now, the principal product of the bar is alcohol, and fewer people are going to the bar, right? So obviously, we should change the product to keep up with the tastes of the students. We have online surveys to back this up, you know. If we stop selling alcohol, more people will come. It’s clear as day.”
Jill Brinkman and Lynn Hagee refused to comment officially on this fake story, but suggested that the stock might last until 2015 instead of 2014.

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