The Compostmodernist

Dieter Huneryager

Recently, I was handed the golden opportunity of having my thoughts and opinions disseminated by literally dozens of readers by contributing to this, one of Lawrence University’s most widely-read student newspapers. This opportunity was offered to me by none other than The Lawrentian’s own Op/Ed editor and leftist agitator J.B. Sivanich. He approached me about the possibility as he was stumbling up the stairs of the student union one night. Having imbibed two or three too many long islands, he prattled on to me in his noticeably slurred speech about how I would make a good addition to the Op/Ed section. After hearing him out and fetching him a glass of water and some paper towels — he had been vomiting profusely throughout most of his speech — I refused him outright.
After all, how could I hope to compete with the others in that most glorious section of Lawrence’s endearingly adequate publication? Could my column possibly share a section with the side-splitting Photo Poll (Example Question: “How should Lawrence University try to raise more money?” Answer: “I will hit you with this chair! Arrgh!”)? Could anything I write hold a candle to the half-dozen articles written about alternative rock groups no one has ever heard of every week? Furthermore, could I really join the annals of history by writing for The Lawrentian, the same newspaper that broke the news about the shower peeper, the Hiett meth lab, and the awesomely frivolous P & H party controversy? Nay, I did not deserve such a coveted spot.
My will finally softened when I was sitting in Downer and I witnessed a group of Kohlerites dining together. I shuddered in rage; rage at the knowledge that in the past week, at least one of those Kohlerites probably dressed up like a pirate or a ninja or had played Dagorhir at some point.
Why wasn’t there anyone putting students who think dressing up like pirates is inherently funny in their place? Was there nobody in the student press with the courage to stand up to annoying, harmless people such as these? Surely, that void needed to be filled. Thus I, like the proverbial phoenix rising from the ashes in her splendid, multi-colored beauty, have decided to right this wrong, and bring back the negativity and ill will that has eluded this publication for far too long. You’re welcome, world.

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