The E-Spot

Ethan Denault

As a reporter my job is to bring you face to face with the news. Live, local, late-breaking, you can count on the E-Spot to be there when it happens, as it happens, covering all regions in order to help you live your life in a more civilized manner. That’s the beauty of the E-Spot. Sadly, it has come to my attention that people just don’t know how to find the E-Spot with the same efficiency displayed in weeks past. They look here, they look there, on the sports page, in the features section, and in the end they are left flustered and upset. Just the other day I ran into an individual who tried to finding the E-Spot on line! Now how crazy is that! Furthermore, once they locate the E-Spot they don’t seem to understand how to use it – it becomes a puzzle, a labyrinth of frustration and emotional dissatisfaction.
When this happens, many people resort to yelling at the E-Spot or calling other individuals who they mistakenly believe know how to placate the rigorous demands of the E-Spot. Some in fact even throw the E-Spot on the ground or even worse, spill hot coffee all over it – what a shame! This only compounds the initial frustration and makes matters far worse. Therefore, in light of the aforementioned complications involving the E-Spot, the following lecture has been prepared: “The E-Spot 101: A Tutorial for Those Suffering from Literary Interruptus.”
In order to derive maximum stimulation from the E-Spot one must know the ins and outs of such a complex literary organ. The E-Spot is located deep within the body of the Lawrentian near the top wall of the page. Sensation is paramount. You can immediately recognize the E-Spot by its rather “incontinuous” feel when compared to the rest of the paper. But first you have to get in the mood. Put on some relaxing music. Perhaps Luther Vandross or some Selena. Sometimes it helps to try searching for it with your eyes closed.
Better yet, have a partner help you. With eyes shut manipulate the Lawrentian with your forefinger until you begin to feel something slightly abrasive, something textually different. Next, gently brush this “roughness” with the tip of your finger in a “come hither” motion. Listen to your partner throughout. When you near the E-Spot you will notice your partner’s breathing begin to build rapidly, often in small but forceful exhalations. Listen. There, you’ve located the E-Spot. But this is half the battle. While many are comfortable making their way to the E-Spot, they panic in the face of such a discovery and recoil prematurely. This is where the initial aggravation begins.
In order to derive the maximum pleasure from the E-Spot one must have the confidence and character (hmm, ties in nicely with last week’s column) necessary to maintain contact with the E-Spot. Therefore, if this your problem, please get your hands off the E-Spot right now. Come back to the E -Spot in a few years after you’ve taken a certified boxing class at some local gym. For those who have an iron resolve let’s forge ahead.
Once you’ve reached the E-Spot it’s your time to shine. Embrace the wealth of joy which rests before you. Indulge it. Tickle it. Caress it – if you dare. Show it to friends, to parents, to a spouse. Scream at the top of your lungs: “I love the E -Spot more than watching Professor Goldgar play footsie with Professor Chaney!” (OK, maybe not that.) The basic concept here is to bask in the glory of the E-Spot and not be afraid. You have the knowledge now – revel in it. Who knows, maybe someday you will find your very own E-Spot and unlock your own charming mysteries. Stay in the zone.