Just Give Up

Erin Campbell Watson

The real secret to Pete Wentz’s romantic success lies in the qualities he looks for in his woman. Until recently, I could only speculate at qualities that he would admit to finding sexy in potential mates. I assumed he, like my high school boyfriend, stashed a highlighted copy of the Hipster Handbook underneath his pillow, and my assumption has finally been proven correct.
The other day, I accidentally tripped over an open copy of People magazine, when I noticed what is probably the best, most intelligent-sounding sentence Wentz has ever uttered, and maybe one of the best sentences People magazine has ever published. This sentence not only indicates that Wentz is a huge intellectual, but it also shows that his priorities are so naturally in line that he cannot help but be attracted to an equally intelligent woman.
Wentz and Jessica Simpson’s sister are featured in a small column in which celebrities are supposed to share the most recent book they’ve read, which is great, because I REALLY CARE. Wentz and Simpson, who apparently just spent some time in Jamaica, share that they both enjoyed the same light beach read, “The Bell Jar,” while vacationing. This is a wise book for them to admit to liking, because it totally proves that they are tortured artists in touch with their brooding feelings. If they had jumped onto the Hipster phenomenon a little sooner, they would realize that this book is like, so 2002, but I give them an A for effort. Neither of them has ever been a freshman in college, so they did not get the memo that it was way cool to pretend to like this book for about two weeks of that year.
Despite their slight lag in appropriately hip reading material, Pete and his girlfriend are clearly really dedicated readers, and definitely meant for each other, because they respect each other for their intellectual endeavors and their minds, rather than just their bodies or their superficial images. Pete expresses his deep reverence for his beloved girlfriend by saying, “She’s a superfast reader, which is, like, really sexy.”
In this short sentence, he has — for me, at least — summed up true love in an eloquent expression of his girlfriend’s sexiest side: her intellectual one. Clearly, Pete is not the type of man to love a girl only for her appearance, or for the image she helps him to convey.
No, friends, he is a real romantic, capable not only of appreciating a book written by a woman — and a pretty whiny, melodramatic, obnoxious one, not different from Pete himself — but he is also capable of respecting his girlfriend’s intellectual pursuits and remaining unthreatened by her ability to read faster than even he can.
He does go on to admit that it is somewhat annoying when they read the same book, because he cannot keep up with her, but he only manages to sound concerned that they stay on the same pace for the purpose of togetherness, rather than competitiveness. What a swell guy!
This display of affection and mutual respect demonstrates the most important aspect of any relationship. Some men might indeed be threatened by the fact that their girlfriend could read faster than they could, or by the fact that their girlfriend would choose to read the same book that they did, or if they were James Eric Prichard, by the fact that their girlfriend could read at all. But not Pete Wentz. He is a sensitive, emotional, hair-straightening hunk of man. This is the kind of catch you should be on the prowl for, ladies.
Not only is Pete Wentz a poet, and everything any sixteen-year-old could ever want in a man, he’s also able to admit to his sexual blunders, which is a quality many women find endearing. His honest display of sensitivity and his desire for an intellectual relationship between equals leaves me hoping I can be the next girl able to say, “I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me.