Hippo City

James Eric Prichard

There should be more places on campus where you can do homework and enjoy the great outdoors. People who like to read outside are by and large limited to spreading a blanket on the Green, or propping oneself up against a post or building.
It would be nice to have more backed seating outside, both under shade and in the sun.
But what do I care? I’m graduating. I wish that I had enough time to personally see every single Lawrentian before I go. I would offer you a handshake and say that I’ll see you soon, but then pull my hand away and yell “Psych!”
I am never going to see any of you again.
Some seniors are probably going to be crying at commencement because they are going to miss their friends so much, and these were the best years of their lives, and blah blah blah. They will be clicking through old Facebook photos of crrr-azy weekends for the next 40 years, like Lot’s wife. As their lives are extinguished by entropy or a salt-hungry herd of deer, they will still fondly recall their collegiate years.
Or that is at least what Jill Beck et al. hope. The better your college memories, the more willing you are to send a check to good ol’ Larry U.
There are two species of Lawrentians: students and cash cows. Seeing as in a couple weeks quite a few of the former will evolve into the latter — don’t worry Mom, I still don’t believe in evolution –it is worthwhile to see what sort of donors different students will make.
Fraternity members will probably donate as long as the school treats their fraternity well. If they feel that their fraternity is being slighted — and this is a possibility with Beck at the helm, who rumor says will not even eat Greek food — they will not donate until the brotherhood gets the house back, or at least until they forget about the matter.
English majors, for obvious reasons, are not going to be able to donate. I know that the “broke liberal arts grad” clich***e acute*** is played out and frequently untrue, but let’s face it: You know you aren’t going to have any money.
Former RLAs, on the other hand, are definitely going to shell out. If you were delusional enough to believe that you would have a positive effect on your residents’ lives, you are delusional enough to believe that giving to a private university is a worthwhile humanitarian endeavor. Don’t worry, those refugees wouldn’t have wanted your money anyway.
I would assume that Objectivists will not be philanthropically inclined, but if you wanted to take a comprehensive survey you could just ask Scott Sandersfeld.
Music education majors, despite being only slightly better off than English majors, will donate because when people decide to be music teachers they do two things: They dedicate their lives to helping students, and surrender all potential worldly gains.
Those who plan to attend law school will find themselves in a miserable world, thoroughly unhappy. These alumni will give to Lawrence because they will fondly remember the era where they actually had leisure time and were not generally disliked.
By giving, they will both allow themselves to fantasize about the past and also make amends for their crimes against humanity. Either that, or they will discover cocaine.
I will, of course, not give any money to Lawrence. There are a few smaller reasons that factor into the decision, such as the fact that Beck still doesn’t remember my name, but the main thing is that I need to start saving for my own son’s education before I pay for anyone else’s. Like I’ve always said, family comes first.