Ethan’s Column -wmd -dlh

Ethan Denault

Ladies and Gentlemen: apparently many people are incensed by the type of stuff I’ve been writing about as of late. It seems that they crave more “substance,” or, as Morton R. kindly suggested, “less bullcrap.” Interesting. Thus, as a true journalist I have decided to do what all journalists do in dire times ********– no, I will not consult my Ouji board, though the thought is tempting. I will instead defer to the popular vote and give the people what they want *******– which is apparently less “SweetSexySteph” and more “This Old House.”
So I begin by discussing the perfect way to baste a turkey. According to the American Heritage Dictionary a turkey is “A large North American bird (Meleagris gallopavo) that has brownish plumage and a bare wattled head and neck and is widely domesticated for food.” Therefore we easily see that turkeys are meant to be basted on a regular basis.
In order to perfectly baste your turkey, the bird should have been in the oven for roughly forty minutes. Then, take of those little suction tubes ********– like the ones used for sucking snot out of a baby’s nose *********– and suck up some of the drippings which *********– hopefully **********– have collected at the bottom of the pan. Then squirt the juice all over the bird ********– this is still PG folks ********– until the bird is glistening like a sunbather at some Miami Beach nudist camp located just off exit 41 past the Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream outlet store. Repeat every fifteen minutes until coda.
Now let’s turn our attention to the ancient art of napkin folding. Napkin folding was first pioneered by Japanese “napkin-issuer” Koichi Stewart, who passed the art down though his family tree until it fell into the lap of one special woman named Martha, a woman armed with a keen sense for domesticity and an equally keen sense for illegal stock market maneuvers. The art of the napkin arrangement exploded in popularity across America with housewives and people like Lawrence’s insightful Steven B.
To recreate the classic “Napkin Slipper,” hold the napkin as though looking at a diamond and fold the bottom section up. Repeat with the left side, then right, then fold the upper corner one-third of the way down while at the same time twisting the bottom half one-hundred and eighty degrees. Rotate forty-five degrees between thumb and forefinger while wishing you were watching an episode of “The Sopranos” and eating a bowel of rigatoni. Voila! You have your napkin slipper thing, Morton R.
OK, I gotta go. I just received a hot tip on homemade peach cobbler.

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