Dear Lawrencian: Brrrr.. Yup it’s probably -10 right now with a wind chill that will make your piss solid before it hits the ground. The moisture on the inside of your nose freezes and feels like a giant bugger. Every morning you go outside and the cold rush hits you erasing your dreams of the inviting Caribbean Lagoon in your dreams the night before . Sorry, the white stuff is snow. It isn’t sand on an endless white beach and the noise you hear, that ain’t waves crashing upon a beach, it’s a steam release from the Fox Valley Paper Co.
Gloves, scarfs, and goose-down North Face jackets that make you look like the Michelin Man can’t counter that feeling you get every time you go outside. It surprises you each time, no matter how much you’re prepared. It will win. So, sometimes you just gotta throw in the towel. Take a deep breath of the frigidness, let it reach all the way to the bottom of your lungs. Ahh… it feels sooo good. It’s a natural rush. Someone was telling me the other day that if they had to do it over again they would have undoubtedly gone to the University of Miami. Forget these traitors. We’re all in this for the long haul and it’s been done by many before us.
The hard part of the term is coming up. But now is when where all going to shine. Don’t let the temperature or the wind control how you’re going to be. It might be cold, brisk, and dark but deal with it. People have flourished in conditions where they would dream for what we have. Don’t let a little weatha’ keep you down. Summer time will come, you’ll be soaked with sweat, the swamp-ass meter will be hitting 9.9 and you’ll be dreaming for days like this.
So, to help you out and beat the weatha’ I offer you a list of the top ways to beat the cold.
1. Don’t wear your sandals outside. One word for these fools: boots; not the kind with the initials F.M. but the kind for winter.
2. A Green Bay Packers puffy Starter coat (with matching wool knit hat).
3. Any freshman who needs a ride to the store who will warm up the car.
4. Sledding down union hill on an old couch. *not responsible for any injuries
5. Movies: especially ones you’ve seen a million times and know half the words to.
6. Don’t shower. If you do your hair will freeze like twigs or you’ll be in the middle of a shower and a false fire drill will put you outside in a towel.
7. Glacier glasses for when you walk outside into the blinding snow and can’t see your own two feet.
8. Making as much noise possible late at night. Either, playing a game or singing a song.
9. Smoke by your window fan until your hands turn purple.
10. See if you can ruin your sleep schedule so you’re always tired, awake when everyone else is asleep, and see daylight once a week.