Romance According to The Lawrentian Editorial Staff

Dear Lawrentian Editorial Staff,
I am currently in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend from high school. Although things were great over the summer, since we’ve gone to different colleges, our attempts to funnel our affection into cell phones and Facebook pokes have left me wanting more. I want to remain optimistic about our relationship, but I can’t help but think that maybe we made a mistake. What should I do?
-Lonely at Lawrence
Dear Lonely,
Every time The Lawrentian Editorial Staff hears of two star-crossed lovers who have decided to continue their relationship via long distance, we give a collective laugh, not simply because the Lawrentian Editorial Staff maintains a machine-like uniformity of opinion on all issues of the day, but also because the vast majority of long-distance relationships in college fall apart within a year–95% according to a nonscientific, nonexistent survey. Therefore, as we will explain, we at The Lawrentian advise you to dump him.
Lonely, you and your boyfriend, in going to different schools, are inevitably going to be exposed to a wide range of new experiences and unique people that are going to twist you, push you, pull you, and ultimately mold you into a different, hopefully drug-free individual.
Pardon the clich, but college will be an adventure, and to prevent that adventure from happening by tying yourself to the phone every evening for a nightly chat with Danny two time zones away will hurt both of you. The two of you will change, and it will probably be in different directions.
Now, we at The Lawrentian are sure that you are telling yourself that you and your boy toy are different than the countless other couples out there who are trying to preserve their high school romances. You and Bobby just “click” in that special way that says “match made in heaven.” Plus, when he grimaces just so, he looks kind of like Jude Law, and you’ll be damned if that’s not worth four years of cell phone chit chat and sweaty couplings over Thanksgiving.
We are sorry, Lonely, but The Lawrentian Editorial Staff knows you are wrong. Sure, some high school romances survive college, but recognize they constitute only a small minority reserved for fringe-dwellers and communists, and trust The Lawrentian Editorial Staff, when you’ve got a 12-page paper due the next morning and you’re desperately finding time to squeeze in an email to Joey from Stanford, the last thing you need is somebody calling you a red.
Thus, Lonely, it will hurt a little bit, and if he really likes you there will be tears on both sides, but you really need to dump Jimmy from Wash. U., six-pack and Abercrombie cargo pants be damned. After all, the last thing you need is to find yourself three months into college trying to save your sinking ship after you’ve passed up several opportune romances from shy bohemian types wearing sport coats. Your decision will allow the two of you to grow into your proper selves, free from inhibitions.