The Lawrentian’s guide for safe drinking

Redd Sampson

As much as Lawrence University Security would like to think otherwise, alcohol use on campus by minors and legal adults alike is far from being curbed.
To be frank, for some the consumption of large quantities of alcohol seems a necessary component of the college experience. That said, The Lawrentian finds it reasonable to provide the campus with a brief primer on safer drinking.
First off, let us start with some basic principles of drinking. A wise man once said “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear; beer before liquor, never been sicker.” Such a notion, much like the idea of Plato’s cave, still remains relevant today.
Perhaps in this event it is easier to use a bit of an analogy: liquor is to the United States Marine Corps as beer is to the United States Army. While the Marine Corps is the first to strike in a dispute, they are removed quickly after softening the enemy.
It is the Army, like beer, that occupies the territory for a longer period of time, maintaining a certain disorientation and leaving one feeling bloated. Therefore, trust the wise man: liquor before beer.
To take this military analogy a bit further, the Army’s occupation of a foreign country for an extended period of time is kind of like filling one’s body with great quantities of Hamm’s over the span of a Saturday night.
Although the foreign country will tolerate the occupation–perhaps even enjoy it–for a short period of time, it is not long before the masses will assemble to violently reject the foreign invaders.
The human body, if not given a break from alcohol intake, will reject the alcohol along with the remnants of that Jimmy John’s sandwich. The only thing that remains in order for a safe and enjoyable drinking experience is a reconsideration of the individual’s personal policy on drinking lest another bad morning after leave the drinker cranky and jingoistic.
Alternating one glass of water with every alcoholic beverage can help alleviate post-binge punishments. As for preventing a hangover, one can eliminate it almost entirely with plenty of water and a vitamin B complex pill before laying down to rest with a garbage can next to your bed.
Furthermore, staying as cognizant as possible of specifically what one is drinking will help you stay away from late night intimate encounters with the toilet. A one-ounce shot of hard liquor has equal alcohol content to five ounces of wine and 12 ounces of beer. For this reason, among others, it is probably best to avoid drinking that pitcher full of mysterious substance X that keeps making its way around that game of circle of death.
Lastly, as always, it cannot hurt to remind the average student that for a foolproof night, simply pretend you’ve added five shots of vodka to your Nantucket Nectar Pomegranate Pear juice from the Grill.
Yeah, you might not air guitar quite as well as you would like, but you’ll save myriad brain cells, and your friends will thank you for rescuing them from those creepy guys or girls in the back alleys of Trever.