Ask a Fifth-Year: Where’s our winter?

Jacob Horn

Dear Jacob,

What gives? A few weeks ago, you went on and on about the things you could do when it snowed, but look outside! It’s the middle of February and the only snow I can see are the haphazard clumps of ice around campus. You have some explaining to do.

Signed,

Not-So Frigid Freshman

Yeah, sorry about that. I was under the impression that this was Wisconsin and not some sort of tropical paradise that doesn’t experience snow. Somewhere foreign like Tennessee. Even though I cannot change the weather I can come up with an equally useless list of things to do in the, well, not snow.

You could make a mud-man. Roll around large chunks of spongy tundra to form torsos and whatnot. Or just make a large pile of dirt. I am giving you free reign to terrace the Main Hall green. Facility Services may not be happy about it, but tell them that I told you it was alright. This won’t help you in any way; it will just get my name out there. There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

You could still go sledding down Memorial hill. Scuttle down the slope on one the aforementioned “Downer trays.” You might not get far. If rolling down a muddy hill doesn’t sound exhilarating enough, you could always find a stray wagon or bicycle to take down with you. Jacob Eugene Horn is not liable for any injuries sustained while following his advice.

You could make your own snow. Well, not snow. Just make ice cubes and chuck them outside. Have a snowball fight with these artificial snowballs and then proceed to call an ambulance for whoever got struck by the concussion-inducing iceball.

This is my challenge to the Lawrentian-reading population. Make me an igloo entirely out of icecubes and I will sleep in it. Or just make me popsicles. With the astronomical number of ice cube trays that you would need to make an igloo, you could easily spare a few for some delectable treats. I feel like both of them would take about the same amount of work, but I would prefer a combination of the two. A grape flavored igloo.

You could get on with your schoolwork. Winter Term is that wonderful time of the year where the year seems anything but wonderful. The drabness of the outdoor world forces one to celebrate hermitdom. During the Fall Term, the last vestments of summer still prevent anyone from caring. Spring term offers too many distractions simply by being warmer than 50 degrees.

But don’t let seasonal distractions detract you. You’re a busy Lawrentian, who is way too busy. But you’re not nearly as busy as I am. I could tell you about how busy I am with all of my schoolwork, but I’m far too busy to do that sort of thing.

Please send me any questions that you might have. Seriously. I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m making half of these questions up. Except for the mustache one. Sam really wanted my advice concerning his facial hair. Concerning his current facial hair: Keep it. It looks better than the solitary ‘stache. Send concerns and rants to jacob.e.horn@lawrenc.edu

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