Lies and Untruths NOT REAL VERSION

Peter Gillette

Test scores have dropped precipitously! Test scores aren’t even required anymore! The freshmen are stupid! The administration is turning over at an alarming rate! We still don’t have a new campus center! The orchestra’s out of tune! The basketball team lost a game! There are burn marks in the Sage elevator! The shower peeper or peepers is or are on the loose! The Muslims and the Objectivists won’t get along! The Lawrentian ticked off the theatre department! Yesterday, the fries at Downer were too cold! Even art is not safe! Boys and girls will be living together on the same floor! Beck and Truesdell are going to demolish Hulbert House-it’s true, they’re going to take turns driving the bulldozer! Sex toy profiteers sold a bill of goods, so to speak, to well-meaning campus feminists! The elevator is closed! There are typos in the newspaper! Thieves and murderers run rampant! Dining services is about to sell out to Coke or Pepsi, evil corporations both they are, for shame! Lawrence may indirectly-gasp-invest in companies without a spotless corporate record! “Town-gown” relations between Lawrence’s movers and shakers and area perverts have fallen to a nadir!
Eliminate the ACT, let the old president chill out in Door County, get two new deans, hire a handful of Fellows, and, as fast as you can say “underachiever,” everything that’s not tied down will be stolen, destroyed, misspelled, misunderstood, or even peeped at by our ne’er-do-wells! The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
So, my dear, terrified readers, grasp your Mace and your whistles, lock the door, and take one last, nostalgic look at the Lawe Street bridge as you love it.
And now, listen to me: Lawrence is not going to hell in a hand basket.
Perhaps people in general, nationally, are getting stupid, getting violent, not caring. And you know what? News of thefts and sexual assaults is alarming. So, look out: if you see an asshole being a bit unkind to your female friends, or if you see furtive folk darting into rooms and coming out with billfolds and Ipods, don’t go to Hall Council or LUCC-kick them, or maybe call security.
And then, go on about your business like the not-awful Lawrentian you probably are. But let’s not go screaming here and there about Lawrence taking a nosedive into depravity and dystopia.
You see, this year, there are even more rich people than normal visiting campus, and they read the paper. Put on a happy face for a little while, and don’t scare them off with your horror stories, true or not.
That old lady you just passed on the sidewalk is no danger to anyone, and her million dollars could really spruce things up around here, couldn’t it?names checked – vad