yHillary Clinton Declares War on Prior Beliefs IS THIS APPROPRIATE FOR THE LAWRENTIAN?

WWashington, D.C. – In a move designed both to bolster her image as a hawk and to endear her to centrist Democrats and Republicans alike, Senator Hillary Clinton declared war today on the most unpopular positions she once held as First Lady and freshman Senator.
“Back after graduating from Wellesley and Yale Law, I had lots of crazy ideas ***–*** for years, really, I’ve been a man-hating, health care-socializing bitch,” Clinton remarked at a press conference from the foot of the Capitol steps.
Clinton continued, “The events of Nov. 2, 2004 have shown us that there is absolutely no way the American people will tolerate my old type of ideas invading their homes through their televisions, computers, and, most terrifyingly, through their next President. That is why I advocate a policy of relentlessly and brutally seeking out and destroying these earlier positions where they live and sleep: in my own brain.”
Political insiders are already labeling the move “brilliant.” Said one senior Congressional aide, “The [2004] elections made it patently clear that the American people will not tolerate the continued threat posed by the sort of positions Clinton used to believe and advocate. They consider them fanatical, dangerous and downright silly.”
Another Hill insider remarked, “I don’t think anybody expected this, even out of a seasoned politico like Hillary. I mean, shedding your weak-on-defense image by declaring war on yourself? Genius.”
The Capitol steps press conference was not an entire success for the Senator, pundits noted. At one point during the address, Ms. Clinton spotted a vacationing African-American family from the Bronx and immediately broke into a diatribe comparing Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) to a plantation owner and asserting her solidarity with “all my brothers and sisters who suffered on plantations, just like the one we’re standing in front of today.”
Explaining the outburst, Clinton said later in a statement that “this war will not be without setbacks. I mean, seriously, I’ve believed this shit for years.” She expressed optimism, however, that “over time, these beliefs will be rooted out and replaced with vote-garnering ones that, God willing, will get me out of this hell-hole Senate seat and back in the White House where I belong.

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