Shower peeper slips in shower

Steve Martin

In an ironic twist of fate, the infamous “shower peeper” slipped and fell in an Ormsby women’s bathroom Saturday night.
“I was rinsing the shampoo from my hair,” related Ormsby resident Schuyler Gardner. “I turned around and saw someone coming through the shower curtain. I started to scream, but I guess the floor was pretty slippery from the bubbles because he slipped.”
Gardner’s scream turned to laughter, but it turned out to be no laughing matter as the peeper lay motionless on the floor.
“I got scared again and ran for help,” Gardner continued. “I noticed he wasn’t wearing shoes. I thought that was pretty stupid. I mean, do you know how many people pee in the shower? Ew!”
Campus security arrived half an hour later and found the intruder still on the floor, moaning unconvincingly and rubbing his neck.
“He started yelling something about dangerously soapy environments and unsafe water management,” said Lawrence Security officer Collin Powell, who responded to Gardner’s call. “I tried to help him off the ground but he had this backpack on that felt like it was filled with bricks.”
An inspection revealed that the backpack contained several dozen Lawrence University Dining Services coffee mugs.
The shower peeper managed to slip through security’s fingers “like a bar of soap,” Powell said. “No one could get a positive ID. The only distinguishing thing was his extremely red sweatshirt.
Before he disappeared into the night, the man threatened to sue for reckless endangerment.
“Just because he’s endangering student safety doesn’t mean we can dismiss his claim,” said trustee chairman and attorney Bill Hochkammer. “We can’t have this kind of legal case hanging over our heads. Plus, with our luck, he’s probably an influential fraternity alum.”
In response to the first incidents of peepage, the university administration put a 24-hour lockdown in effect.
With this second, more physically endangering incident, students will now be required to have flip-flops or shower shoes soldered to their feet at the Health Center in order to prevent further lawsuits and to generate an additional revenue stream for the Health Center, which typically operates in the red due to pathologically generous hydrocodone policies.