Hippo City

James Eric Prichard

I read somewhere that the War on Christmas has spilled over onto Thanksgiving. While I have not personally experienced such an attack, I would not be surprised to learn that such assaults are daily occurrences in places like Hollywood and New York City. Anyone whom this report does not trouble does not understand the importance of Thanksgiving.One nice part about the third Thursday of November is that it is a time for inward reflection. You can’t give thanks without thinking about what you have to give thanks for, and you can’t do that without thinking about yourself. Halloween is for children and Hanukkah is for Jews, but at Thanksgiving I get to focus on numero uno and think about myself all day long. I can also boast a little, telling the grandparents that I’m thankful for being the most attractive one of the family.

The self-centered aspect of Thanksgiving does not make it great, however. Thanksgiving is great because it is the most American holiday. Some might disagree, saying that that title goes to the Fourth of July, but that holiday only exists because the Declaration of Independence was signed on that day. People didn’t come to America from England to sign a declaration, but in order to create a Christian nation. Who were the Christianest of the original Americans? The Pilgrims. And what holiday did they start? I thought so.

Thanksgiving is the Americanest holiday not only in its origins, but also in its current practices. The two annual televised sporting events are football games, and football is America’s best sport. Thanksgiving also kicks off the official Christmas gift-buying season, and if there are two things Americans like, they are spending money and getting stuff. If there are three things Americans like, the third would probably be America itself. I once met a guy in Mexico who told me that most Mexicans have the impression that Americans are very patriotic. Then I tried to get him to say bad things about America, but he wouldn’t. If there are four things that Americans like, the fourth is eating food and getting fat, and we all know that the defining feature of the holiday is the Thanksgiving feast.

While probably not at number five, family is definitely one of the top ten most cared about things in America, and one of my favorite parts of Thanksgiving is the time spent with family. I went home for the holiday and relished the opportunity to catch up with my siblings. You would be surprised at the number of changes that you don’t hear about when you don’t call home. It turns out that my oldest and dumbest sister somehow got a job teaching kids in Florida. Look out, Future America! My brother Sean got into college, which none of us thought would happen, so we’re pretty proud of him for that. We just forget about the fact that he attends Gustavus, the Ripon College of Minnesota. The only bad news from the home front is that my youngest sister has become obsessed with all things related to Disney princesses. I just hope that she loses this immature fascination before she grows up and, say, wants to have a princess-themed wedding in Disneyworld. Such an event would make me wonder if her development had been arrested at some point, and would probably make her groom look like a real idiot.